Therapy

Saving the world must temporarily wait as I'm in the middle of a massive Self-Examination. Mom's eulogy detailed how closely she lived according to the Love is Patient, Love is Kind guidelines. Am I patient? Am I kind? I'd like to think the majority of the time I am. Am I slow to anger? Do I keep no record of wrongs? Hmmm. Don't let Tim answer that one. If the greatest of all things is Love, am I living up to the challenge?

95% of the time I am full of joy and cheer. The balance are my yuck days. Days I don't feel like doing anything, much rather stay in bed days. I wonder sometimes if it's depression. In my happy cycle, I'm effective, organized, on point. In the other cycle, I carry loads of 'I don't wannas'. Unmotivated to do any task. My dad often stares into oblivion. I click my fingers to awaken him and he travels back from wherever he was lodged.

I recently found myself staring as well.

It's comfortable. I'm looking but not seeing. Protecting. Insulating. Not thinking of anything...barely breathing. Hoping it's just a side effect of recent events and I return to my happy 95%. I can see why my Dad so often finds solace in sleep. You don't think, you don't feel. Those first few moments of sleep-filled peace before your eyes open are so sweet. Then awareness seeps in and familiar thoughts return. I remember again and it consumes me another day. Happy moments followed by realization then sadness. One vicious cycle that I'm sure will slow. It's not who I am...it's just where I am at the moment. I wonder if my Dad will ever become aware of his depression...will he actively fight it? Or will he choose to remain far, far away?

Until recently, I was a very angry girl.

I carried a lot of negative energy towards the choices my Dad made. I couldn't understand why he lived by such a different definition of love. Visibly upset years ago, he expressed that he wished he had been around more when we were younger. Still, he chose to remain in an all consuming hobby of a job that never supported the family. In my mind, he chose the store over me. He chose the store

over my Mom. His decision required Mom to work long hours. The bottom line is that it created a very angry Lisa. One that didn't want to travel down to visit. One that treated her husband who once reminded her of her bubbly father as suddenly sub-par when the daddy bubble burst. One that didn't want to communicate with her far-off family.

I had the pleasure of meeting a dear lady that taught me that we don't need to carry others consequences. Basically let them own their own stuff. (ok, so she said a different word..). I can only live my life the best way I can based on current knowledge and they must do the same. In the process, their definition might be completely different. His definition of love is completely different than mine....and I'm learning to be satisfied with that. The anger is slowly departing. It was never mine to carry, I just picked it up along the way by mistake.

So, now you have a mildly depressed, angry image of Lisa...not quite the bubbly, cheerful image I present every day. I am ridiculously blessed to have a husband that thinks I wear a crown, and children that make me proud every single day. It makes me wonder, however...how many others are walking around behind a mask? Building, maintaining and presenting a front for everyone to make their life appear content, healthy, joy-filled, “normal”, meanwhile covering deep pain.

I enjoyed the company of a room full of friends and strangers this weekend and looking around, I considered how many others are dealing with pain, hurt, disappointment, illness, anger, depression, abuse. The pain options become endless. Overwhelming.

I will start by loving myself...accepting my imperfection, appreciating every moment...and when I have my 5% days, I will show myself Grace. Only then, can I show and share love with every person that God places in my path. Showing love....one imperfect person at a time.