The Deeper Stretch

It’s quiet, house still, the Starlings pulse and flow nearby, the air conditioning units on 24 hour shifts with a mid-summer heat wave, back tight, hips loose from long overdue morning yoga with Maya.  Pulling me in very necessary yet strangely unique directions and encouraging long deep cleansing breaths.  My breath typically short and shallow while the entire organ sits with unused potential.  Even now, oxygen sinks down deep only when forced, intentional, with purpose. That deeper breath encourages me to slow down, notice, be present. Those last few seconds of expanding inhale stretching out skin and lung, new and unused spaces suddenly filled.

What other parts of me are short and shallow? What other resources sit untapped? What areas are left dormant, only utilizing surface level potential?  My brain? My heart? My soul?  Do I only think the thoughts given to me? Could I create something new, instead? Am I only allowing tiny bits of heart pumping feeling to emerge and be shared with others when a vast resource sits untapped? 

How does one reach down deep and utilize all of self? I imagine the same way a long deep breath is drawn… slowly, with purpose and intention. Like yoga, limbs, bone and organs must move in directions not typical. A far left reach followed by a deep turn to the right is required. Often off center, tipsy…nothing a quick giggle and a return to center can’t fix.  No giving up, only giving in. New movements feel awkward and often breath returns to shallow, but then you sink in and slow down and breath returns as a new normal is found. Not wanting to waste a single thought, thing or moment as I seek the deeper stretch.

The Stillness I Seek

Yesterday, comfy in bed, pillow warm, blankets cozy, dog still nestled and asleep, well before the hours I typically awake, I sleepily counted down from 5 for a burst out of bed.  Any longer would have allowed for argument…it’s too early, don’t wake the dog,  the writing can wait.  The arguments come quickly…the doubt-inducing, inspiration-spiraling statements that keep me from doing the thing…whatever that thing is that would move me forward, that would make me a better person, that would possibly catapult my life. I would be quite content to stay on the comfy level I currently reside, but nothing good comes to those who linger too long in comfy places.  So I catapulted myself out of bed after a quick 5 second countdown and after the dog was satisfied, I sat and began to type.  And words did flow.

Nothing good comes to those who linger too long in comfy places. 

Years ago, in a cabin sitting on Thousand Islands, I rose early to enjoy a peaceful morning.  Just beyond the dock, the water appeared glass-like.  Not a single ripple remained from the busy night before.  As if the fish beneath were still asleep, boats had yet to disturb the surface, the water sat still.  I had the urge to swipe the surface to capture its serenity, but its peace would be disturbed.  So I sat on the dock and appreciated it instead.  Gazing with gratitude how in the single digit hours, portions of the world seemed so completely still.  But even in the appearance of stillness, the tide still pulls and unseen things move right beneath the surface.

My mind works best in the wee hours… before the sun has risen, while only the early birds chirp, while my mind is not yet polluted with to-dos, before the flurry of the house begins to stir.  I crave and seek out the stillness.  My mind,  creates new things, words do flow, inspiration blooms. Then, once the house begins to stir, and the to-do list beckons, the surface begins to ripple.    Til tomorrow, it’s the stillness I seek.

Learning to Talk

Talking isn’t my easy neutral.  It takes effort and thought, much like brushing hair the opposite way, it feels awkward, clumsy, disjointed.  Much more content to stare off inside my own head, happily bouncing around thoughts, analogies, and insights, when things get too difficult, I retreat into that happy space, quietly sealing from others. Not so much punishing them with my silence, (although I do admit to playing that sad game against hubby at times).  I just don’t think I have anything as interesting to contribute.  Other times it’s the crowd… there's always one person that loves to occupy all the air then wonder why I’m so quiet.  There’s just not a single breath to share within the tight spaces of loud dialogues.  So I retreat… and watch… and think. 

A college friend once revealed to me that no one knew anything about me and gave the homework to find one friend and start telling them everything.  A pivotal moment.  My poor roommate, Wendy, was the unaware recipient of what felt like a ridiculous brain dump the next morning.  Her eyes like saucers, she was patient with me in my awkwardness and listened intently without interruption.  So I kept testing, and talking.  But my natural neutral will always be silence. I crave a quiet house to write.  I am perfectly content to sit with a friend and never say a single thing.  And that one trait has been both my weakness and my strength.  I’m a top notch listener, but a most terrible friend, sometimes frustrated wife, and often a passive mother.

No coincidence the same week I’m speaking about Communication in Propel Women is the same week I’m reading about setting aside one hour a week to have deep and meaningful conversations with a friend in The Common Rule by Justin Earley. 

Ok, God, I get it. I agreed to let the Big Guy instruct me into being a leader… leader of my life, my business…no longer passive and reactive, but engaged and proactive.  The rusty parts are getting oiled.  Parts and processes that haven’t moved in years, perhaps never used effectively from the get-go, are now getting stretched and pulled in odd directions.

 Everything in me is itchy.  I can actually feel my heart beating right under my skin. I don’t feel adequate to provide skills on how to effectively speak, but I can certainly share the do-nots:

• Do not keep all the good stuff to yourself.  It’s selfish and the world needs your light.
• Do not assume everyone around you has a better story to tell.  We all have a story.
• Do not give up on friends/humans just because you found a rotten one.  It’s all for learning purposes.
• Do not assume you can do it all.  Every single thing is better in teams of two or more.
• Do not assume your daily life is boring.  The small shared details become the concrete base.
• Do not assume others know what you want. You’ve gotta use your words.
• Do not wait until it’s too late to speak.  Start talking immediately and repeat every day.

You’d think after generations and generations of humans, we’d have this speaking thing down pat, but our unique baggage, filters and the ever-mounting separation of screen and skin, it seems speaking well is something to learn and relearn.  I’m learning.  I’ve been learning for a long time and it seems I’m only just beginning.