Thursday, March 26, 2015

Challenge - Week Six

The highlight of my week was a long lunch spent with my Aunt Gail.  A most excellent story teller, an expert at the art of conversation, and close as sisters to my Mom, she had plenty of belly-laughing stories for me and I know there'll be more next time.  I realize quickly that it was Mom that updated me on Gail and her family...sad realization of loss like a paper cut to the heart.  She warms my soul.  I  hope she knows how much joy thru laughter and concern she gifts to me.  Many blessings to her, my sweet Aunt. 

Tuesday allowed me to participate in my current guilty pleasure of the most mild variety... standing
in as smoothie-maker / tea-brewer at my favorite local tea shop.  Always amazed at the variety of customers it drawls, I enjoy making conversations and spreading more joy.  I whip up their order, they smile, say thank you and are off to pursue the rest of their day hopefully a bit happier.  This week, however, I encountered a customer of a different sort... uber needy, self-aggrandizing, with some un-nameable underlying dark force.  Life certainly would be pretty grand if you only dealt with unicorns and rainbows every day, but I suppose one dark apple in the bunch is manageable.  I refused to allow her energy to permeate my happy space and moved on.  Not allowing drama to become my own.  Deep tea shop lessons...

Tea shop hours also provided time with the local homeless lady, Ms. A.  Can't even fathom the darkness she encounters on a daily basis.  Scattered and random joy with a solid base of self-preservation.  She shuffles in, her bag dripping some milky substance and desperately needing a bath.  Abandoning all judgment and side-barring all chores, I elbow up to the counter and greet her with a tentative smile...testing the waters and not wanting to bombard her with my syrupy happiness.  She's tired, in pain from an arthritic knee and needs something to cut the chill.  Warm tea seems to help.  I listen and nod...her stories rich, decorated with her own vocabulary.  I wonder if they hold truth or if they are her own imaginings, her own reality.  I wonder how she'd receive a care package of street goodies...she seems too proud to accept help.  I wonder what brought her to the York streets...aren't we all just a few decisions away from the same fate?  She reports that she always feels content when she visits...not happy or loved because that would be too "kinky"...a place to warm her bones, use a safe bathroom and receive a smile. 

And THEN....I got to baby-sit the most adorable little babe all day Wednesday!  She sat on my lap, so content, so trusting, completely reliant on me for the afternoon.  Of course, the mental queue started to scroll....could I switch loads of laundry, vacuum, prepare dinner, call my Dad...but instead, I savor her.   She drifts off...eyes so heavy, arms completely limp and the sound of rain hitting glass enters awareness.  Then I watch a robin and a cardinal search the frozen ground for food...normally too busy to witness these simple yet sweet things, I savor them.  She stirs as if dreaming..what does someone so new to this world possibly dream about?  We're both most content when my cheek rests on her forehead.  That sweet smell of baby...I savored it. 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Forgiveness


My deepest thoughts gather in the early morn...the house is quiet, the dog content, as I brush my teeth and hair.  Pondering how a fairly joy-filled day can be completely undone by the presence of select humans that grate my ever-loving soul. Small in number, but one powerful effect. Trying my best to avoid them, yet adrenaline and hairs rise when paths cross. Past pain simply outweighs being polite. My happy cart left completely tipped. Hoping I'm not alone here.  Justifying avoidance by not wanting to 'cast my pearls before swine'... however, we're also to 'forgive 70 times 7'. So which is it? Today, I realized that one does not negate the other. No need to blindly offer the best of me to the few that would manipulate and mangle while awaiting an apology never delivered.  Forgiving them for hurtful words and actions, instead. Forgiving doesn't mean I have to maintain toxic relationships...it just means not letting it consume me.  Forgiveness means I'm letting someone higher than me judge actions.  Forgiving also doesn't mean approving of actions.  Pain won't be forgotten, but won't define me. Working on releasing that gut-punch reaction at sight, choosing instead to send positive vibes their way. My own kind of happy sabotage. So liberating and somewhat sneaky.


This idea of forgiveness seems easier said than done, the most difficult part will be executing daily. Not a one and done deal, thinking this will require daily action.  Repetitive mind over matter. Another exercise in renewing the mind...replacing negative with positive, sending love versus indifference. Retraining the brain. Each day is presenting new challenges, new insight. Certainly way off from perfect, yet ever evolving. Attempting to forgive so I can fully love. 
 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Challenge - Week Five

Finding balance between frantic busy-ness and depressed lethargy.  Last week, I was at both spectrums...sometimes both in one day. This week, I sought a happy medium.  Shifting gears to slow or speed as needed.  It would be so much easier to just stay in bed, curl up with the pup, close eyes and listen to the wind.  Motivation is low most days, but realizing things simply must get done, I make myself do it anyway. Didn't feel like making dinner, do it anyway. Didn't feel like making conversation with friends, do it anyway.  Didn't feel like cleaning or doing bills, do it anyway.  At some point, my arms were moving, words were spilling out, mind was active and I was enjoying myself. I allowed myself one tear-filled, bummer of a day and then pulled on my big-girl panties.   Until I discover my new 'normal', I will do it anyway. 

This week, I'm making happy spaces at home.  Decluttering and Spring cleaning, I find myself drifting thru rooms sorting, pulling, pitching.  Sorting Mom's stuff proved overwhelming...one that inspires selective intention with those items I surround myself with. Items without a purpose or that no longer bring joy were donated or sold.  Tim says I'm organizing as if I was dying.  Still working on that 'happy medium'. 

Quite content to stay in my jammies all day, I rallied and enjoyed dinner with friends.  It proved a grand surprise....uplifting chatter, speaking words of praise, sweet confirmations all around.  No gossip, no slander, not one negative word.  Contagious...each woman wanted to add something to sweeten the pot.  Returned home filled to the brim and craving more. 

Still working on that balance, seeking that happy medium.  When to speak, when to be quiet.  When to be still, and when to move.  Normal, everyday decisions now taking on a more elevated purpose. A constant renewing of the mind to listen for that still, small voice so that everything is done with love. Love for my family, my friends, my self. 




Friday, March 13, 2015

Challenge - Week Four - The Wall

Productive, manic, empty best describe my week. Most days I felt tired down to my soul. Constantly yawning, yet early to bed, even Tim has noticed I'm off. Those days with extra energy, I frantically attacked every task...riding the wave before it would crash. Trying to be as productive as possible...vigorously cleaning, making long lists, purging clutter, trying to find some semblance of order.

Then I hit the wall.

Wednesday, there was no joy to be found. Exhausted, no desire to smile, no bliss found even in the things that typically bring me happiness. Just blah. Wondering if these long months of sadness for Mom has made me forget what it feels like to be consistently happy? Did I not leave any space for mourning? Keeping myself busy, busy, busy so I won't have to feel? Busily redecorating my surroundings in hopes it will also stir my soul? Tim practically had to pry the vacuum out of my hand and suggest I take a long, hot bath. Friends suspicious when I say I'm doing just fine. I actually said I don't think about her.

What I can't fix, I clean. When I can't control, I cook. My to-do list lengthens by the second and my mental queue spins wildly. Afraid to start crying for fear I won't stop.

Today, I will leave time to be still. Just listen. Breathe. Cry if I must, showing myself some grace. This, too, shall pass. But when it passes, what will remain?
 
 

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Challenge - Week Three

This week began on a massive high...a gluttonous weekend with Tim's college buds. An 18 year tradition, we travel 5 hours to snowy Cazenovia, NY and eat, drink, laugh, sleep and repeat. Laughter is truly healing for the soul. Sweet conversations, good-natured teasing...it filled my cup. Over-whelming at times, though, the sounds, cross-table banter..once I swore I saw Mom across the restaurant with her salt and pepper hair and silly bird and bunny embossed mock turtleneck sweatshirt. It was another customer, but the resemblance took the air right from my lungs.

The remaining weekdays were detox and slightly manic. Highly productive, but working myself to
exhaustion.  Efforts to organize created a domino effect leaving more and more to accomplish. A juicer purchase required an entire kitchen cabinet shuffle for space. (More on the juicer later). Basement is inching closer to Tim's perfect man-cave, however. Each weekend is another step towards a finished project. Baby steps.
 
As for my other challenges, I enforced screen-free hours and became the instant wicked witch, but the transformation was priceless...I witnessed the rare moments of watching sister teach brother how to play a ….wait for it....card game! How entirely old-school! She was so patient and he was so eager to learn. Mission accomplished.
 
As for the final bullet item of making plans for vacation time with the family, summer seems to be consumed with baseball tournaments, but I've dipped my toes into the idea of traveling cross country. There are so many beautiful things to show the kids and before I know it, oldest will have her own license and won't want to be couped up with us. Dream plan is to fly west, rent an RV and visit the Grand Canyon. It's been daughters dream vacation for years...fingers crossed we can make it happen.