Challenge - Week Two

 Perfectly content to hibernate indoors, hidden away from people, quietly cleaning and organizing...Each day this week, I had to push past my comfy default to get out of the house, meet people, speak to others... a constant renewing of the mind to speak only positive, to move forward, seeking joy, spreading love. It doesn't always come naturally...but any good thing requires work. So, each day I gave myself a little pep talk...get out there, talk, listen, share, love. Moving in the right direction, until I owned it.

My week was looking pretty phenomenal until the busy days closed in and I worried I had over-booked. One event stacked after another, until the universe intervened and snow canceled most plans leaving only the most important. I savored a long lunch and shopping with a friend, played some killer ping-pong, cheered daughter's first sports banquet, comforted a mourning friend, and listened as a brave friend poured out her difficult history to a room full of young moms. I searched and found some cute furniture to tidy up a few more piles, and helped Tim paint more of the basement (relieved he decided to keep the color). Each venture filled my cup, leaving me better off than I started. Hoping that I was able to give as much as I received.

Each day was a new struggle, however. A new opportunity to choose sadness or joy, dark or light. Not depression, but close. However, a special someone  is struggling desperately with depression...finding it difficult each day to peel back the covers and place her feet on solid ground. Attempting to fill the void with food, weepy and sleepy most of the day. Your mind and body scream stay put...fight it, sweet girl. You are meant for more than this. Rise, find some small thing to be thankful for, put one foot in front of the other and live. Don't merely exist. Make connections, find something that brings you joy, breathe, pray, move. This, too, shall pass.

The Good Ones

Another tender soul has succumb to Cancer. Last week, a young mother of two took her final breath after a long battle with the beast. She had an infectious smile, one that would travel up her cheeks and settle into her eyes with a twinkle. Wishing for more time, I had only two short evenings with her. But that's all you needed to love her so.

It stirs up too familiar feelings...why does Cancer seem to feast on the bright lights of this world? More generic, why do bad things happen to good people? It seems the truly evil, and even mildly naughty often manage a clear bill. I know a few people that would deserve such justice. But thankfully, I'm not sovereign, I don't make the rules. Perhaps the good ones have learned life's lesson early and no longer need to suffer here. Their reward awaits on the other side. Mean while, the rest of us need more training. What if this world is simply training grounds for something better? What if this place we call home is simply a pit-stop? Plucked from it like a carnival claw game if you've managed to live a righteous life despite your circumstances? Overcome with sadness among those  left behind, but ultimately we're moving thru our own test?

Not sure why good people suffer while the naughty thrive. All I know is that this place we live is certainly not Heaven. Terrible injustice and evil intermingles with the sweet and pure at every moment. A wicked dance. A terrible struggle. Sadness, mourning, loss, depression, suicide, abuse, gossip, stress, illness. Joy, love, laughter, beauty, peace, charity, support, kindness, trust, compassion, grace. All living

together..yin and yang. I suppose the trick is to look at this life we're given in the positive ....darkness is inevitable, but choose light. Death is unavoidable, but remember their life. Hate is an option, but choose love.

She, like so many others I know, lived a life of love. There was struggle and sadness, but the common thread is that they focused on the positive...as thin as it appeared at times. More of us should lift our eyes to that goal...stretching and reaching for the positive in this desperate world. Linda, Bill, Carol, Kim, Tom, Gerald...I want to live like that.

Challenge - Week One

Week one into my challenge...no earth shattering changes occurred, but incremental steps in the right direction. Task one was successfully accomplished as the majority of each day began with dedicated time with just me, my Bible and God. I sweetly ushered the kids off for school, made myself some tea, and settled down in my sacred spot. I'm in Psalms...David is being sought after by blood thirsty assassins. Why so downcast oh my soul...he's having a really bad day. My chapter finished, I tip my head back and offer up some gratitude for that day. Thankful for healthy family, thankful that Tim has a fruitful job allowing me to stay home, thankful that Mom is with Him. I can only imagine the joy she must be feeling right now. I linger a bit, thankful for blessings to come and open eyes to see them..I find myself calm, focused, ready to attack the day.

Task two... quality time with the family seemed strangely awkward, something that needed to be guided with much intention. Kids were confused by my suggestion to play a long unopened board

game. Son says that's why they're called bored games. They played along, however, and he even sat nearby to make sure I didn't cheat thru round two. It is truly much easier to sit and stare at the phone...all the possibilities of games, information, crafty inspiration. I felt a magnetic pull drawling me back to check endlessly...like swinging open the fridge door hoping for something magical to appear. Must resist the pull (said in my best Captain Kirk voice). Instead, I played the music loud and made some brownies. A good country song inspired a solo two-step, son didn't want to join in, but he was watchin' and a-grinnin'.

Setting aside time for three friends and one unexpected connection was a sweet treat. We caught up and sat eye-to-eye, not once to tell Facebook where I was or stopping to take a selfie. Their stories magnificent, rich, sometimes heavy creating such thoughtful human beings. Communication is truly an art..one that needs to be honed and appreciated. I adore friends that ask meaningful questions and find myself doing more of the same. We shared hugs, held hands when one of us needed that extra squeeze, and left feeling filled to the brim.

My next task of completing annoying tasks was, well, annoying. I suppose that's why I've procrastinated. I've been sitting on a complicated insurance issue that I knew would require several lengthy phone calls. I bit the bullet, made the calls, explained too many times, and soon after, the problem was resolved. Everyone satisfied and thankfully off my plate forever! One less nagging task in my must-do pile. Another task was painting our 11-year-primer-white basement. A little too ambitious with this task, I set aside a snowy afternoon and for three hours I attacked walls. Sadly, the color is not making hubby happy. His manly basement a little too girlie. So, that task will most likely need to be redone...lesson learned, paint small area for approval first.

Overall, this first week of my challenge I find myself feeling very productive, very intentional. Inspiring myself to live smarter, kinder, with more love. Making connections with family and friends before time passes by. Using precious time more efficiently but at the same time, filling the quiet gaps with soul searching, laughter, and making sweet memories.  Encouraging more of the same this coming week.

 

 

Silver Lining Challenge

Not being a professional on the topic of life change, I've decided to go with what I know...myself. I'll report what I've done, what changes I've made, and the results that issue forth. One thing is true...change has occurred and there's no returning to the sleepy days of coasting thru life. I'm newly aware and anything else will just appear bland. Hopefully, you'll harvest something inspirational from my findings and incorporate something new into your own life. Here's what I'll be up to:

• Spending 10 min reading the Bible and having a nice, quiet dialogue with God each morning sets the tone for my day. It weeds out the unnecessary and fills me up to the brim with a whole different level of love and peace. I'm able to share a genuine love not one that is tinny or fabricated. Only then can I properly proceed with my day. 

 

• Spending time with family...good, intentional, phones down, eye gazing, ears and hearts open quality time. Daughter has called me out on excessive phone use...our smart phones have created time and attention sucks. My plan is to set a maximum screen time for the day the rest will include old-school activities...games, books (gasp!), crafts, and outdoor activities...good old fashioned memory making.

 

• Setting aside time for friends...each week, I'll meet up with at least one friend for uninterrupted quality time. Too often I've promised friends to set a date only to have life rush forward with no time spent. I've learned that if you have the prompting to reach out to a friend, that you should always follow through. There are so many souls with fabulous stories...I aim to spread love and joy one person at a time.

 

• Completing all annoying tasks...I have an exhausting list of unfinished tasks...pictures never framed, paint never applied, rooms unfinished. One by one, they will be completed so that when I pass by, I will no longer feel guilt but joy. I am surrounding myself with things that make me (and my family) happy! If it doesn't bring joy, out it goes!

 

• No longer living vicariously thru others. I will be researching, saving for, and fulfilling our family wish / bucket list items. Children will soon be grown and no longer wish to be seen with us. Memories are itching to be made. Life is indeed too short to wait for a more perfect time.

So this is my personal challenge...I'll keep you posted on my developments! If you're feeling motivated, play along and keep me updated as well! Much love and success to you, my friend!

 

 

Beautiful Friend

I recently had a conversation with my daughter about friends that simply could not see their value, their beauty. Painful words or actions delivered by a 'loved one' have made them feel unworthy. Consequently, they settle for less, they can't accept compliments, make questionable choices, traveling down dark paths. It made me realize many of my adult friends share this line of thought. Perhaps even I think this way at times. I've gathered two handfuls of dear friends in one writing and believe that there are many others that share these sad self thoughts.

 

 

Sweet girl, you flutter by, never content, unable to see clearly that you are beautiful, skin to soul. This truth invisible to you. Lay down your baggage and rest. That burden was never yours to carry.  Stop your spinning, your constant search for steady ground. Trivial, unnecessary...your ever-shifting goal of approval, striving to be thinner, smarter, the perfect homemaker, the total package. Compared to whom? Compared to what? The perfect life will keep you waiting til the grave. 

 

You are worthy of more than this.

 

Our days are simply too short to strive and compare...pushing for that next goal, one less pound, the clean house, the perfect facade. Settling for toxic friends that rob your joy, dull your sparkle, drain your confidence, leaving you empty. Instead, seek joy, surround yourself with friends that love and uplift. Those that speak ill of you will fall away, thankfully bored. No longer requiring their approval, their perceived social status, their false attention.

 

Hurt from the past still so very present. Crude words spoken have altered your image.  Unspeakable actions molding your beliefs.  Unsurmountable loss creating a raw heart.  Creating a guarded, tough exterior yet fragile just beneath. So expectant of disappointment. No answer for why, only consider what you've become.  So willing to help those kindred pained spirits. Heart filled to over-flowing for others in need. Pain turned  positive...never damaged goods. You are so much better than you believe. Embrace your beauty, sweet friend. You are so beautiful, so worthy of love, joy, peace.

 

Therapy

Saving the world must temporarily wait as I'm in the middle of a massive Self-Examination. Mom's eulogy detailed how closely she lived according to the Love is Patient, Love is Kind guidelines. Am I patient? Am I kind? I'd like to think the majority of the time I am. Am I slow to anger? Do I keep no record of wrongs? Hmmm. Don't let Tim answer that one. If the greatest of all things is Love, am I living up to the challenge?

95% of the time I am full of joy and cheer. The balance are my yuck days. Days I don't feel like doing anything, much rather stay in bed days. I wonder sometimes if it's depression. In my happy cycle, I'm effective, organized, on point. In the other cycle, I carry loads of 'I don't wannas'. Unmotivated to do any task. My dad often stares into oblivion. I click my fingers to awaken him and he travels back from wherever he was lodged.

I recently found myself staring as well.

It's comfortable. I'm looking but not seeing. Protecting. Insulating. Not thinking of anything...barely breathing. Hoping it's just a side effect of recent events and I return to my happy 95%. I can see why my Dad so often finds solace in sleep. You don't think, you don't feel. Those first few moments of sleep-filled peace before your eyes open are so sweet. Then awareness seeps in and familiar thoughts return. I remember again and it consumes me another day. Happy moments followed by realization then sadness. One vicious cycle that I'm sure will slow. It's not who I am...it's just where I am at the moment. I wonder if my Dad will ever become aware of his depression...will he actively fight it? Or will he choose to remain far, far away?

Until recently, I was a very angry girl.

I carried a lot of negative energy towards the choices my Dad made. I couldn't understand why he lived by such a different definition of love. Visibly upset years ago, he expressed that he wished he had been around more when we were younger. Still, he chose to remain in an all consuming hobby of a job that never supported the family. In my mind, he chose the store over me. He chose the store

over my Mom. His decision required Mom to work long hours. The bottom line is that it created a very angry Lisa. One that didn't want to travel down to visit. One that treated her husband who once reminded her of her bubbly father as suddenly sub-par when the daddy bubble burst. One that didn't want to communicate with her far-off family.

I had the pleasure of meeting a dear lady that taught me that we don't need to carry others consequences. Basically let them own their own stuff. (ok, so she said a different word..). I can only live my life the best way I can based on current knowledge and they must do the same. In the process, their definition might be completely different. His definition of love is completely different than mine....and I'm learning to be satisfied with that. The anger is slowly departing. It was never mine to carry, I just picked it up along the way by mistake.

So, now you have a mildly depressed, angry image of Lisa...not quite the bubbly, cheerful image I present every day. I am ridiculously blessed to have a husband that thinks I wear a crown, and children that make me proud every single day. It makes me wonder, however...how many others are walking around behind a mask? Building, maintaining and presenting a front for everyone to make their life appear content, healthy, joy-filled, “normal”, meanwhile covering deep pain.

I enjoyed the company of a room full of friends and strangers this weekend and looking around, I considered how many others are dealing with pain, hurt, disappointment, illness, anger, depression, abuse. The pain options become endless. Overwhelming.

I will start by loving myself...accepting my imperfection, appreciating every moment...and when I have my 5% days, I will show myself Grace. Only then, can I show and share love with every person that God places in my path. Showing love....one imperfect person at a time.