Bravely Step Forward

Today, I spoke words to a camera as part of a recording meant to encourage and uplift women at an upcoming retreat.  Immediately honored, the words easily spilled days in advance.  However, the day I need it most, my computer seizes.  Unable to print my speech, I head to church to meet the videographer…my inner critic loudly proclaiming that I’m no speaker, clearly no writer, completely unworthy, not to mention unorganized.  Squashing it and moving forward, deciding my written speech is not participating, my bullet notes will have to do…but when I glance at my notes, instant blur, nothing made sense.   Test anxiety pummeled me, my mind drew complete blanks. My heart pulsed through my ears. As she continued to set up the camera, I nervously babbled and alternated deep breaths.  Pulling her in the loop, I admit my nervous thoughts and press forward with winging it.  Camera poised, microphone balanced, lighting flattering, bullet notes visible...she pressed record and I exhale.  The deep desire of my heart is helping ladies feel beautiful so I pictured them on the other side of the aperture…right there, inches away.  All nervousness melted and the words spilled easily.  Roughly following the bullet notes retained my focus, but new concepts dropped in, too.  One word flowed into another, sharing lessons, tips and some heart to heart. 

At final words, air kisses sent, I hopped from my perch and signed off.  Worry gone, inner critic quiet, peace reigned. Honored to play one small part in encouraging women towards their best self, I was thankful that the words flowed and that the inner critic was squashed.  For me, it was an affirmation of continuing to bravely step forward regardless of fear. 

Keep it Simple

Months of morning zen time have left me angry and empty.  Maybe I’m not doing it right, maybe it’s just not for me.  For months now, I’ve risen at 5am, giving myself a good 90 minutes of reading, writing, meditating, doing yoga…and within 5 short minutes, I’m frazzled and frustrated again.  Feeling like one important and very crucial part was missing, I added 5 min of worship music…one song.  Looking back, it was like talking to your best friend for a mere 5 minutes.  It’s just impossible.  Nothing good can come of it, there’s simply not enough time to talk, then listen, then talk some more.  I added two songs, but still time felt out of proportion.  The dreaming and staring over magazine cut-out vision boards and aligning my chakra just seemed like worshiping the bark and not the tree.  

So I cleared the decks and went back to basics.  I was working too hard to drawl my own vision into reality, striving, pushing, when all I really need to do is Love God, and Love Others.  Keep it simple.  I still rise early in the morning, but now, it’s a long conversation with a good friend.  Worship music, reading, filling a gratitude journal, praying over family, friends, our schools, our church, my neighbors, our government, then myself.  He’s got this creative way of bending and stretching me until I’m in the right place…it’s a gut feeling, a holy nudge, an unsatisfied itch…He’ll keep at it until I’m adjusted.  I can keep trying to do it my own way, but my version is never as good, as efficient, as fruitful.  I complicate things, when it’s best to keep it simple.