A Brand New Day

I may or may not have eaten not one but two Brown’s chocolate chip sugar cakes this weekend. And a beer, chased with a few or more Ritz Sourcream Toasted Chips.  Not all at once, obviously. But today is a brand new day. Super yummy on the tongue, neither left me feeling super fabulous… Emotionally.  Physically.  Clearly, my body and mind craves something more. Something rich with cell-pleasing nutrients, something that satisfies on more than one level.

I fell into easy, fast, surface level satisfaction more than once this weekend.  See, Tim was out of town…moving Maya into her college dorm in far, far Florida. Maybe I was feeling guilty for not being there, for not offering in-person goodbye hugs.  Maybe I succumbed to not feeling more guilty… Maya is super self-sufficient and this is year two, right? Were my mom instincts off? Should I have been there instead of here, eating delicious Brown’s chocolate chip sugar cakes dipped in decaf iced coffee? Gluttonous. Oddly unsatisfying. Likely because I was trying to fill a heart shaped void with a round shaped cookie. The curves just didn’t fill the pointy edges.

So, here I sit, Monday morning, Maya settled into her first new dorm evening, Tim half way home and headed to work.  Me sweaty from my new walking-water-writing routine and just realizing what I had done. Half the healing comes in the knowing. So, I sip and I sweat and I type. Filling myself with something a bit more satisfying, Realization, Awareness, Grace. Today is a brand new day.

Water, Walk & Write

Sleepless night, woke with worry.  Made for a groggy, heavy morn.  Five more minutes turned hour and the single ring of the doorbell pulls me from dreams. Walking to the window to spy the early morning visitor, my driveway and street is completely empty.  No one at the door.  Ok, Lord.  I get it…time to rise and shine.  But still, I don’t wanna.  Yet my three daily W’s await:  Water, Walk, Write.  So, I begrudgingly slip on my walking clothes (aka not my pajamas), tie my sneaks and start to move my legs. One foot in front of the other, then again and again.  

Not an overly long loop and definitely no fast pace.  Just some quiet time to listen and think without the visual of house to-dos surrounding me. Something in the movement forward is purging, shedding off the worry, the sleepiness, bringing clarity, refreshment. Adding a little bouncy pep, my head a little higher, eyes up instead of down, I continue forward.  

Sneaks on pavement, breath in lungs, how ‘bout some gratitude? Thankful for uplifting time shared with another boutique owner yesterday. Offering so much insight, stuff I knew, but didn’t implement. Hearing it from another owner solidified things…iron sharpens iron.  Blessing prayers over her and her business.  Up ahead is a neighbor with a soon-to-be married son.  The beginning of a long life of ups & downs together… Prayers for a married heart, solidarity, compassion, sacrifice. Not  always roses and baby’s breath, marriage is all things wrapped up together good and bad and loving each other still.  Up ahead, a new graduate just returned from along trip abroad and heads into her debut college days. Prayers for provision, for eyes to see opportunity, excitement, perspective. Another beginning.  Baby steps into a long life of learning and growing and stretching.

Worries long gone now… just a faded echo. Thankful for legs to carry me, for fresh breath in my lungs, for a heart and mind that can chat with the big guy over neighbors, friends, and loved ones. Back home, a mild sweat and breath increased, next up: Water and Write. Pouring myself a big, icy glass of water, I sit and begin to tap letters into words. Looking forward, out the window, the rain begins to pour.  More perfect timing.   Now He’s just showing off. 

Wish & Worry

Maya leaves in one week… less now, six days. College, year two. The in-person visits will start to diminish. More content to be with friends, the edges of her grown up life are starting to emerge. Even this summer, filled with potentials and  lists, somehow scurried away unaccomplished. Where did the time go?  Living weekend to weekend, limited life. Just yesterday, her entire head fit into my palm, her hands curled around my tiniest finger. Completely dependent on me then, dependent on me still but in less glamorous ways. We’ve raised her for this…the spreading of wings, the learning to adult, seeking her unique balance in doing and being.  It’s the steady letting-go that breaks then heals my heart. No doubt she’ll do great things, her skills and scrappy nature will give her wings. It’s the spaces between now and then that shorten my breath… the tinier, seemingly insignificant things, yet the exact moments that define souls:  who will become her tribe? Who will break her heart? How many breaks can her heart withstand? Which partner traits will she begin to prefer and gather? What truths and lies will she retain?  What’s her threshold for seeking more, better, best? Academics secondary, it’s the moments in between that build foundations.  The chance encounters, the belly-laughing spells, the curb-sitting heart to hearts, pillow tears, the long walks home, party invites, party exclusions, late night pizzas, spontaneous excursions.  All necessary moments to build her up and break her down... the exact moments I wish and worry.