Holes in the Wall

In efforts to prepare for a visit from my father-in-law and his wife, I panicked and had a serious 'If You Give a Mouse a Cookie' moment. I adore visits from my father-in-law. But I do have to step up my Homemaker game when he's in town. Bathroom cabinets are organized, base boards dusted, meals organized and prepared. All I wanted to do was hide the wi-fi cords. But, hiding the cords meant moving the surge protector. Moving the surge protector prompted a shelf shuffle. The shelf shuffle required the removal of a curtain tie-back. The removal of the curtain tie-back resulted in four glaring holes in the wall. One week til arrival and now the room requires a complete room repaint all for a small collection of cables.

He loves us regardless of the condition of our home. Made me ponder past relationships that I would over nurture and images I sought to portray to ensure my seemingly fragile social status. Ultimately, I learned, I could be the juiciest peach in the orchard and someone will still not like peaches. I could clean til my fingers bled and someone will still spot something I missed. I could carry the sweetest smile and speak the kindest words, and someone will still find fault. I'll have a chat with father-in-law and laugh about how silly I was, reminding him that every waking moment is spent spoiling my children at baseball games and shuffling them to friend visits. One day, when the house is quiet and the kids are gone, I'll have a pristine house...until then, my windows will be dirty, the floors have puppy prints, and you may or may not find a cereal bowl hidden in my son's bedroom. Until then, I'm talking myself off the cleaning ledge and looking forward to a visit with four extra holes in the wall.

Challenge - Intentional Schedules

We're in full blown baseball mode...practice every week day but Wednesday and tournaments on the weekends.  This busy schedule has forced me to become very intentional with my extra time...weighing out every appointment, chore, task, visit.  Seems the more time I have, the more time I waste.  This trimmed schedule allows me to only add the most crucial tasks. 

Not too long ago, I volunteered for everything...saying yes to all.  Standing in as Mentor Mom for our local M.O.P.S. crew, organized merchants for the York Bloom Art Market,  filled my brain and soul
at Bible study, joined a Knitting and Crocheting club, and sat in on the newborn meetings of our local donation center.  Unsure why at the time, I began to retreat and empty my plate of activities feeling over-occupied.  Then Mom got really sick. Suddenly, the need to clear decks made sense.  Ready to add things back to my plate, I'm finding myself extremely selective.  Things that once interested me,  no longer carry the same luster.  So, I pause...I ponder...I pray.  Adding in only the best, most important things.  Time is super precious and I don't want to waste a single drop. 

This selective process has made me reexamine what exactly makes me happy...not simply laugh, but truly make me happy.  It's a tough question I'm still dissecting. 

So, this week I enforced a 2-day limit to volunteering, cheered like mad at five baseball games, reconnected with an old friend, and carved out time with a new friend.   Two more unused furniture pieces departed, while I added extra workouts to accommodate holiday gnoshing and upcoming beach visits.  I was able to stay dry eyed when I heard Mom's funeral song, but got misty when Melissa Rivers recounted her last moments with Joan, climbing into the bed with her.  I count this week in the good column.

Challenge - Mother's Day

This first week of May, counting down to Mother's Day, was filled with nervous expectation... similar to facing a massive cavity fill.  Knowing it would pinch, sear, ache but there was nothing you could do to stop it.  A year of first's then perhaps the ache would cease.  Saturday found me cheering on the sidelines in a day full of baseball games.  Not quite 100%... a little off.  Sitting in the glaring sun, no nearby trees, I spotted several Maple tree spinners spiral from the sky...gifts from Mom.  My family home has a massive Maple that drops ungodly amounts of seedlings, spinners, helicopters.  So
overwhelming and annoying.  Leaving so much to sweep that once, my Mom even attempted to vacuum them up.  It didn't fare so well for the vacuum.  I knew right away my little heaven sent spinners were a little inside joke. 

Mothers day came with an all day heaviness.  Head not even off pillow and tears falling.  Dear friends sent early texts checking on me, sending love.  Twenty-four hours of that forgetful belly-ache...as if I'd forgotten to call her then the sad realization that I no longer had that task. 

On a high note, Tim gave me the best distraction ever...tickets to see Prince that Mother's Day in Baltimore.  For the first time in months, I was excited, thrilled, cheering, smiling, I may or may not have even shed a few excited-fan-style tears of joy.  It was great evening.  I am truly blessed with a thoughtful hubby!

Four months have passed and I worry I'm sounding like a broken record...how much time is acceptable to grieve before friends and family have had enough?  When does the happy-guilt end?  This writing, it has become my therapy.  If I am helping anyone in this process it's myself...anyone else is simply a welcome ride-along. 

Challenge - Long Road Home

This week presented a long hometown trek to visit family the first time since her funeral. I planned a visit with my Great Aunt Bootsie before too much time slipped by. Realizing I had procrastinated this trip. The road so familiar now reminded me of hospital trips. No longer feeling that anxious anticipation to get home...no more umbilical pull...as if I was headed somewhere foreign. Found myself anxious, defensive, offensive...how will Dad appear? Has he been keeping up with bills and his health? Will the house be a wreck? Still angry with grandma for not attending funeral. Bit the bullet and made most difficult stop first...Dad, brother and grandma all present. Dad seemed alert, happy, organized. Brother proudly busy. Grandma weaker still and paper thin. Talks of forgiveness truly hitting the pavement in true form. Smile and spread joy, love. Quick visit then off to Pepper Road...busy niece is asleep fresh from the night shift. Too excited to wait, I awaken her for hugs. She is filling Mom's shoes too well...helping keep Dad fed and house cleaned. Funny, I no longer have the compulsive desire to help clean.

Afternoon spent with Bootsie enjoying lunch but we both notice an obvious absence. Long quiet

pauses fill our chats. We both miss her so. We visit her gravesite together...brother, sister, and grandbabes visit often to place flowers and release balloons but I don't find her there. Just dirt and faded plastic flowers. Laying out favorite lilacs while Bootsie pulls weeds...her own compulsive desire then we're off. Excited to see what flowers are emerging at Bootsie's beautiful garden...Mom always enjoyed lingering there , too. She shares her blooms with me to grow at home. She's excited to have the company and I sense she doesn't want me to leave...”just one more thing”. Sadly, we part after numerous I love you's and I begin the long return trek. The trip not nearly as bad as anticipated...life has continued.