Today We Jump

Today is the day we make a move in a strange and unknown direction. Research, conversations, prayers, lists, visits…I’ve done more digging on this single decision than all of my biggest decisions combined.  Marriage, children, home-ownership, starting a business…all followed my gut. This decision, however, affects more than myself, so I’ve lingered in the safe places for a bit longer. At some point, an action is required…a blind step in some direction. I can stew and simmer, dig and deliberate but today’s the day we jump. 

Maya & Cole are two completely different glorious beings.  From day one, they’ve required different styles of parenting, different ways to reason, different motivations, different definitions of love. It's no surprise that they also have different ways of learning.  Today I submit paperwork that releases him from school and we begin the wild world of home-schooling.

So many fears.  Again, that negative voice speaks I’m no teacher, you may fail, he may suffer, others will judge.  Those fears apply to almost any decision.  The way I understand it, decision making has one final outcome.  Finding a thousand opinions in favor and equal amounts against, the pros and cons list may possibly equal out.  We can remain in the status-quo safe places or we can follow another path.  Ultimately, after all the digging, diving, and solid hours of prayer, one foot must finally move in front of the other.  No longer satisfied in the safe places, today we jump. 

Battle for Perspective

I was grumpy this weekend. Overwhelm, frustration or simple hunger delivered me to an unhappy place.  Deciding to separate myself for some deep breaths and a chance to find peaceful ground, I stepped into the shower to shake off the funk.  So often, the shower is exactly where wisdom falls.  Vulnerable, exposed, no distractions, that still small voice seems so much clearer.  That morning, perhaps even in that moment, a young bride was saying forever goodbye to her 38 year old husband.  Suffering, hospital-bound, he missed the birth of their daughter.  His eyes never laid gaze on her tiny hands.  A new widow finding new normal without her love.  Closing my eyes, I picture waves of love washing over her.  Sending a complete stranger love predictably refreshing my own buckets, my own annoyance now seems so insignificant.  New perspective gained, I’m able to face the world again.  Downstairs, Tim recounts the viral letter from a dying 27 year old Cancer patient. Affirmation to shake off the small stuff, yet again.  

It’s the annoying, petty, insignificant stuff that blocks the action of love, of living.  Constantly returning to distract.  For me, it’s mom guilt, body image, future worries, long to-do lists, work overwhelm, friend guilt, wife guilt, more guilt.  Get out of my way, petty, for proper perspective. 

Gratitude. Love.  Sending it, thinking it, being it, speaking it, living it, savoring it.  I want to sit protected in that place, safe from small annoyances and big griefs, but the world and insecurity happens. It seems the answer is to locate the petty, name it, squash it, then savor gratitude, receive and send love. Then repeat.  It’s a constant battle to regain perspective, a worthy battle, no doubt. A battle within which I’m likely not alone.   

A Good Stretch

I’ve been stretching lately.  Not only a morning yoga routine to get my mind and muscles moving, but also stretching conversations, comfort zones…asking the hard questions.  Safer to stick to the generally prescribed conversation topics, I’ve recently veered from comfortable into honest and what emerged on the other side was nothing short of delightful. 

An unexpected date night with Tim produced the generic topics of children, but once depleted, the quiet settled.  Not satisfied with the quiet, the questions came…then another and another. A healthy balance of listening, commenting, and contributing turned historically triggered and guarded conversations into a better, healthier version. It was

exactly what we both needed.  Soon enough, the babes will depart to build their own lives and we’ll return to us.  After years of kid-focused living, that could be a little awkward…I’m thrilled to find these bread crumbs back to the beginning. 

Then again, over a decadent dinner with a dear friend, conversation freely flowed.  Often easy to take friends for granted, I stretched to carve out a little time to lavish, to absorb, to celebrate.  I stretched again with honest conversation…the easy path would be to simply agree, yet conversations lead to unexpected places with each fresh perspective.   No false airs, no expectation, no end game, easy conversation, laughter leading to insight, honesty. Dreams, goals, worries, revelations, histories, all things worthy to share with a good friend. All things layering into a better version of me and a healthier definition of friendship. 

Great things lay on the other side of a good stretch.

Lessons Learned

Two weeks without writing is leaving me itchy inside. So much to spill so let’s begin the brain dump. 

Buying gifts days before Christmas left us without a shopping cart, so instead,  the store offered us a body sized clear bag…and when anyone gives you a body sized bag it must be filled.  (Brilliant marketing, Bonton).  Shortly afterwards, an employee noticed me struggling and offered to stash my finds at the front counter.  Instant relief.  Her name was Lisa, so that was easy for me to remember. Once we finally cashed out, there was Lisa again, offering her sweet smile and since I’m all about customer service and love finding it’s rare appearance, I made sure to tell her how happy I was.  She saw a customer struggling, stepped up to help, offered refreshing chatter, and a smile.  I was grateful and she was overwhelmed by my feedback.  She got teary and offered me a hug telling me she was going thru some stressful situations outside of work and really needed to hear something positive that day. Lesson learned:  Freely offer sincere compliments because you never know who might really need one. 

Over Christmas, we jetted to Las Vegas to explore, laugh and make new memories.  The concept that we were headed to sin-city on the holiest of holidays wasn’t lost on me.  The start was a bit questionable…three parking tickets, a hotel mix-up, a 2-hour flight delay and a seat that wouldn’t recline.  But like anywhere you travel, there is potential for both good and bad…the art is to find the good.  And we found it in spades (excuse the Vegas pun)… The kids climbing magnificent mountains boasting striking layers of multi-colored rocks, sweet Norma in Target with her southern drawl and sassy round black glasses, bent-over-belly-laughing with the checkout gal at the absolute best BBQ joint ever, taking turns being pampered in a luxurious automated spa chair, savoring hand crafted cocktails with dear friends after a long day of sensory overload, enjoying artful story telling of cross country adventures by visiting family members. Lesson relearned:  Look for the good…it’s always there. 

Part of the reason we travel over Christmas is to make new memories to enhance (they never really replace, nor would I want them to) the final days spent with Mom before she passed on January 2, 2015.  Yesterday was three years.  Close friends have marked that date on their calendar and sent thoughtful texts checking in. I was okay yesterday…productive, positive.  When tears didn’t come all day, I wondered if that was the last of it… is this how it will be moving forward?  Incrementally lighter each day…THEN today, I heard her song on the way home from a ridiculously lovely trip to Trader Joes.  I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me had me with deep thoughts and wet face.  I like to imagine her experiencing sheer bliss every moment, holding babies that were delivered stillborn until their mammas can join them (she was a Maternity nurse and while she never shared stories, I know she remembered each one)…I see her strolling thru gardens of lilacs, her soft sweet hands entwined with Jesus, I see her young, vibrant, colorful, twinkly-eye smiling.  I can only imagine.  Instantly thankful that she hand picked that song…I can only imagine the comfort it gave her and the comfort it now gives me.  Lesson learned: The difference between sadness and joy is often a slight shift of perspective. 

It’s been a long holiday of lessons learned and relearned.  I’m one beyond blessed gal and if you’re still reading, I want to say thank you.  Thank you for sharing this journey with me.  You are pretty awesome stuff and I’m sure you have stories of your own…I’d like to hear them. Put it out there... someone needs to hear it and will perhaps learn lessons alongside you as well.  xo