Challenge - Week Four - The Wall

Productive, manic, empty best describe my week. Most days I felt tired down to my soul. Constantly yawning, yet early to bed, even Tim has noticed I'm off. Those days with extra energy, I frantically attacked every task...riding the wave before it would crash. Trying to be as productive as possible...vigorously cleaning, making long lists, purging clutter, trying to find some semblance of order.

Then I hit the wall.

Wednesday, there was no joy to be found. Exhausted, no desire to smile, no bliss found even in the things that typically bring me happiness. Just blah. Wondering if these long months of sadness for Mom has made me forget what it feels like to be consistently happy? Did I not leave any space for mourning? Keeping myself busy, busy, busy so I won't have to feel? Busily redecorating my surroundings in hopes it will also stir my soul? Tim practically had to pry the vacuum out of my hand and suggest I take a long, hot bath. Friends suspicious when I say I'm doing just fine. I actually said I don't think about her.

What I can't fix, I clean. When I can't control, I cook. My to-do list lengthens by the second and my mental queue spins wildly. Afraid to start crying for fear I won't stop.

Today, I will leave time to be still. Just listen. Breathe. Cry if I must, showing myself some grace. This, too, shall pass. But when it passes, what will remain?