Mean Girl Rant

Making a date with a mom I've admired for a very long time, it didn't take long before her precious heart was bare and she shared her anxious thoughts with me. Her eldest daughter, beautiful and confident, was harassed for being a Christian. Tweeted pics circulated showing her teammates in a mocking pose with hands pressed in prayer. Same girls mocking her lacrosse goals by asking if God had done that, or if her prayer made the goal. Immediately offended, surprised...but then I recalled how simple it was to be the mean girl.

I was a high school mean girl.

 

To the majority, I was kind, innocent, joyful. But two girls received the brunt of my jealous wrath. Encouraging my entire table of senior girls to turn and glare at a stunning underclassman with a modeling career during our entire lunch period. My smiling face dissolved whenever she passed in the hallway. Another girl, transplanted into a small-country town of big trucks and cow-tipping, was mocked because of her fashion forward hair style. I suppose my pecking order felt threatened...or it was just easier to mock than to confess my own weakness. So much more difficult to authentically connect with others, understand who they are and why, appreciating their differences, and not feel internally threatened. Shameful it took 43 years to source and secure my identity. Unsure what advice to give my dear friend...this sort of bullying has endured since cave-woman days and will likely continue til end-o-times. Sad that it often doesn't end in high school.

To the harassed, this former mean girl apologizes for the current tribe. Forgive them for they know not what they do. Keep being your unique self regardless of the murmur it creates.

To the mean girls, grow secure in your self...there will always be a prettier, smarter girl. Find your self and you won't need to degrade it in others. The enlightening thing I've discovered in my years since being a mean girl is that every single one of us is uniquely broken on the inside. The most beautiful girl feels ugly. The smartest girl often has no idea how to interact with others. We're all struggling to be heard, to feel important, to find solid ground.

To the beautiful girls I harassed...I'm deeply sorry. My mean girl card now archived, but still I feel much regret for what I've done.

Liebster Award Winner!

It seems I've been nominated for a Liebster Blogging Award! Now don't go getting all impressed...it's more of a blogging chain letter akin to the sharing of friendship bread starters and recipe emails. Nominated by my very awe-inspiring not-sure-how-she-does-it-all bestie, Cara Achterberg of carawrites.com , anothergooddog.wordpress.com , kidfriendlyorganiclife.blogspot.com , themamaload.blogspot.com , and published author of Live Intentionally and I'm Not Her. She inspires me to write and thinks I do a pretty decent job of it myself, so I'm playing along.

I'll answer her ten questions, nominate other blogs (allowing you to investigate my favorite blogs), giving them ten new questions. Here goes:

1. Name three things you would buy if you had won the latest Powerball lottery that went to 1.5 billion.

After secretly dispersing funds to extended family members (nurturing our poor roots) and donating ridiculous amounts to the York Regional Dream Center, HOPE, and Denton Hospice, I'd pay a professional to restore my beloved '67 Mustang, fulfill my bucket list desire by securing a lifetime spot as the Baltimore Ravens mascot Poe allowing me to act anonymously silly forever, then explore every continent with my husband and children.

2. Which Winnie-the-Pooh character are you?

My first instinct is Piglet because he's so cute and pink, but upon further reflection, he's quite timid and negative. I've never been a Tigger (Ritalin) or an Eeyore (Prozac), my personality best leans toward Pooh...always willing to help with optimistic abandon, always willing and able to see the silver lining, and a lover of all things sweet. Yup..that's me.

3. Why do you blog?

I started blogging to quickly communicate updates on Mom's condition as she passed from this world. I continued blogging for therapy in the months afterwards. There's something cathartic about having spinning thoughts manifest into letters and words...a release, a revelation. In the process, I'm honored to find that I help other souls to grow, heal, or relate.

4. What's the best compliment someone can give your blog?

I often get the honorous compliment that people like my writing voice. I simply spill what's within. The best compliment is when I discover someone has connected to my content...a void filled, an inspired outlook. That's stuff for the soul, there.

5. What was the last book you read & do you recommend it?

The last book I read was The Customer Rules by Lee Cockerell. I consumed and absorbed it. Heading into a new adventure serving the ladies of our area in a fresh, alternative way, The Customer Rules offered great insight on creating better ways to serve and support. I strongly recommend it to anyone that deals with humans.

6. Are you a dog or cat person and why?

Our dog, Charlie, fully understands, appreciates and does not judge that I am not a dog person. I am certainly neither a cat person. With that said, when no one watches, I do offer the occasional belly rub and noggin pat. He's good stuff, doesn't chew my furniture or ruin the floors. He can stay.

7. What is your latest writing project beyond the blog?

I recently started a second blog: silverliningsharings.wordpress.com to gather and share the phenomenal stories of women that have traveled thru heartache and emerged scarred but positive. Also gathering material for a third blog (top secret clearance required).

8. Who would you most like to interview and blog about?

I'm a story gatherer...loving that part in conversation when you stop talking about the surface stuff and really talk about what's important..the stuff that scares you, the stuff that brings you joy. Everyone has a story, but for this question I'll go big...I'd love to interview Bono, Ree Drummond, Drew Barrymore, and my great Aunt Bootsie.

9. What cool button do you wish your blog had?

I'm pretty much a Kindergartner when it comes to blogs, Cara has to keep me in line with what's proper and trendy. Dreaming big, it would be cool if thoughts tied with technology and left me a little tally of lingering post-read reflection and water cooler discussion. On the fun side, I'd love to have hand selected songs play in the background while you read my post.... AC/DC, U2, Hillsong!

10. What do you eat/serve for dinner WAY more often than you should?

Running between sports and being the only person in the house that eats leftovers, I find cereal as the main course way more often than I am thrilled to report. Currently on day four of bean soup.

Ok...so that wasn't awful. Now it's time to list the next Liebster Award nominees:

1. www.thepioneerwoman.com - Ree Drummond takes the best pictures, blogs, homeschools, has her own amazing line of cookbooks, a line of cookware at Walmart. I'd love to hear how she juggles everything.
2. www.Onelittlemomma.com – Kilee is a super cute momma of four boys that hand creates the most amazing leather earrings (nickelandsuede.com) all while providing easy style advice and DIY tips on her blog.
3. www.Mommyinheelsblog.com – Rebecca offers effortless style and owns my favorite downtown boutique: Elizabeth and West. Always adorable...even bravely posting a pic sans make-up!
4. www.Beautyandtheboutique.com – Katie blogs and vlogs all things make-up and fashion...I relate to her constant desire to make women feel beautiful...plus she's British and I love listening to her lilt.

Ok...here are your ten questions nominees:

1. What's your morning routine?
2. What book have you read twice?
3. Are you an early bird or a night owl?
4. What is your favorite scripture, and why?
5. Describe your perfect day.
6. Name two guilty pleasures.
7. If you were an OPI color, what would you be named?
8. What is your go-to for de-stressing?
9. Name one person you secretly wished read your blog.
10. What do you love about blogging? What do you dislike?

To play along, here's what you have to do:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link their blog in your post.
2. Copy and paste the Liebster Award badge into the post.
3. Answer the ten questions you were given when you were nominated.
4. List ten questions you want your nominees to answer.
5. Nominate other bloggers. Inform them by commenting on their blog with the news that they've just been nominated and there's no escape. Be sure to link your Liebster award post.

Thanks, Cara, for continuing to nudge my writing. xo

Letter to my Daughter

Once again, my 15 year old daughter has been called a bitch by a grown woman. Once prior, her friend's mom used that describing word almost in place of her proper name. Now again....a new sad soul shared it aloud while she was cheerleading. That word seems more a reflection of the speakers own insecurities and sadness than an accurate portrayal. In this world, it so often seems that the strong, confident woman is seen to echo that word. Approaching said woman took every ounce of God-strength to retract the momma-bear claws and calm the pounding heart. Speaking very intently, instead, with guidance and hopeful correction. I seriously doubt my words will change the soul of said woman, but the more important lesson was found side-by-side back at home with my daughter.

Darling....this won't be the last time you will hear that word fired at you. The object is to not let it settle into your bones. You are not that word. You instead, are a confident woman...not afraid to speak up towards injustice. You are instead lovely to the core. You have been placed in this world for large and lofty purposes. You will be disappointed at times by your circumstances, your family, your friends...but don't absorb that disappointment...don't become a cynic. Learn from it and keep your head held high. Those with great strength carry great responsibility. I know you carry enough strength for any task because you tap into a deep and ever-present source. There are many sad souls in this world and I've learned far too well that they don't like smiley-happy-confident women... all the more reason to be smiley-happy-confident! Know that I loved you before you breathed air and will forever be amazed and proud of your poise, wisdom, strength...the exact things sad souls call the B-word. So, embrace your B's and know you must be doing something worthy of such praise!

 

Godspeak

When I am most quiet....body still, breathing slow....I hear that still small voice answering some of my deepest thoughts.  I hold dear those quiet explanations...my Godspeak moments. Once, when teaching Sunday school, unable to explain the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) His child-like answer made complete sense...Playdo is still Playdo whether in three balls or one. Realizing deep thoughts don't always require complex explanations...thankful for His sweet and simple solutions.

This week, another complex thought arose...exposed to so many different personalities at our local clothing ministry (aka the Closet) led me to wonder if God is the same past, present, and future and is housed in each person that accepts Him, why then do Christians act so vastly different? Expecting a common insight in each of us, but often falling short. I posed this question to Him one morning and the answer came so simply. He remains the same in our inner most parts...it's the container that differs. Some host Him in fragile temples, susceptible to the most sensitive of influences, others offer an impenetrable fortress, hard and treacherous to navigate. Some have temples so abused by the world that they carry pain in their eyes. Some carry God around like an expensive, trendy purse. While others hide him so deeply inside, you'd never know He was there. I suppose the trick is finding that sweet God spot in each person...that Holy common ground. What a different world it would be if we weren't afraid to share and show that God spot more often...more compassion, more joy, more of that sacred peace that surpasses all understanding.  Til then, I'll seek out quiet and wait for more Godspeak moments.

 

A Spectacular Day

When thoughts swirl, I typically sit down to write when the house is quiet and still. But everyone is home...off from Christmas break. Hubby greets me early to see how I'm doing...dry-eyed still, grateful that he remembered, too. One year ago today...1:45am...I shared unforgettable moments with my Mom as she took her final breath. One year of firsts behind us...the first Mother's Day, her first birthday, Christmas and New Years without hearing her voice. For weeks I've pondered ways to make January 2 spectacular...donations to a local charity that supports grieving children, donations to the Cancer society...both seemed so impersonal. Making her favorite meal, chicken casserole with potato chips but then I realized that was MY favorite meal she prepared on visits to Pepper Road. The releasing of memory balloons...bad for the environment. So here we are...January 2 with no stellar way to celebrate, as I hide out in the guest bedroom and begin to settle the spinning thoughts.

 

Tearfully rereading my first blog posts documenting her fade from this world....realizing words were present tense as she was still with us. Later posts refreshed memories of gently hummed hymns and soft spoken words. Other entries reflect the fierce desire to hold fast to my renewed intention of living...so afraid they would fade with the bustle of daily life and it was all for nothing...glad to realize I am still changed, still seeking a life of intention, surrounding myself with those that inspire me to be a better person and fluffing my nest with things that bring me joy. It's virtually impossible to cross paths with the phenomenal and not leave unchanged.

 

 

 

Like so often when I begin to journal, stark realization comes.  Much like when the Grinch realizes that Christmas comes without packages and

bows, the day means a little bit more all on it's own.  There's no need to fabricate activities to make January 2 spectacular...it already is. Simply remembering her, holding fast to her beliefs, her Faith, now my own Faith, will make this January 2, and every January 2 to follow, spectacular. I'll hug my children and hubby a little tighter today, giving myself the grace to shed a few tears. I'll be gentle with myself ....grateful I have a family that is gentle with me, as well. I can't imagine a better way to remember Linda Kay Elliott.  

A Different Christmas

It just doesn't feel like Christmas yet...only three days away, most of the gifts are wrapped, the tree is up, the weather is unseasonably warm. Feeling like I should be more sad, heavy with deep remembrance. But I'm not. I'm content. Feet moving forward to satisfy the checklist, taking time to breathe and savor in between. I can only imagine it's a God-Thing....loads of prayer keep me from staying in bed all day long. Keeping my eyes heavenward keeps me from crying. Writing lets the truth bubble to the surface. Not saying I haven't had my moments, but 80% of the time I'm doing just fine. Thankful for friends that check in to see if I'm still breathing, I can almost predict those that will check in on Dec 25 and Jan 2. Two of the hardest days still to come. Moving forward with curious anticipation. Boarding an airplane to spend the holidays with dear friends...finally still and deep conversations expected, a few tears may spill. But in this moment, I'm content. Feeling like she was rescued and I'm truly overjoyed that she's no longer suffering...on so many levels. She's in the safest place of all. How can I be sad? I do miss hearing her soft voice always seeing the shiny side of things. I do miss her velvety soft hands in mine. I do miss snuggling up beside her in bed, each of us silently browsing the latest Women's Day magazines. I even miss her loud snores and that strange gurgling sound her belly made when she laid on her left side.

She raised me well...the best she could with the resources available. Now I'm making my own Christmas memories...mother-child memories. Recreating that silent snuggle with Maya as we browse thru our phones...her showing me the funniest videos and playing the most elusive tunes. Cole reaches over a squeezes my hand much more now... I love his adult sized hand in mine. Oftentimes, I'll slide up and check his pulse like Mom did when I was little...just to make sure all is well.

This Christmas indeed will be very different...but today, in this moment, different is very, very good.

 

 

Be Still

Entering a season of memories...Last Thanksgiving was the beginning of the spiral towards Jan 2. Stepping into the holiday realizing I purposely keep myself in motion so I won't have to think. Hosting 17 family members all with different social comfort and anxiety levels followed by a two week host and entertain stint with the in-laws...all good memories, all good distractions. Hands and mind so flurried that I didn't realize the loss until Dad crossed the threshold without her. Like U2 without Bono, the room seemed full and empty at the same time. I keep expecting her to appear...she was so unassuming...just quietly appearing...meek yet powerful.  No words to describe her. I sidled up beside Dad to reintroduce him to the crowd as he usually bee lines to my comfy corner chair and begins his nap. This time, he participated. My hand on his shoulder, I take a good long look at him...he has aged....maybe shrunk an inch or two...then I see it. Amidst my inner flurry, my soul still for a split second...enough to see the faintest quiver of his chin. He's struggling, too. He disappears upstairs, laying for a moment in Cole's bed, regrouping but saying it's his nerves from driving. He returns later to help with a puzzle and never heads for that comfy corner chair.

 

Days later, a 90^th birthday for Tim's grandmother...25 aunts, uncles, and cousins gathered to celebrate yet

her mind so loose from Alzheimers it seemed mildly overwhelming. It was nice to take a backseat to this festivity. More for us than for her....what stories that mind could once share. Now among faces she no longer recognizes, she appeases us thru dinner, opening of presents, and a few snapshots but is adamant about being ready to leave. Father-in-law leads his exhausted mother to the car as we offer our goodbyes. While others hug and offer final chats, I'm feeling led to follow Wayne as he places his mother onto the seat. She's cumbersome, sliding too far on the seat for the seatbelt to reach, he envelopes her to reach the belt, but her head nestles gently onto his shoulder. And then it happens... I am blessed with the most touching moment...he stops and lets her rest on him, cooing gentle words in her ear. The two of them are motionless for what seems a sweet eternity. Feeling like the luckiest girl in the lot, my eyes swelling with tears, the seatbelt snaps and the moment ends.

Realizing that I'm keeping myself busier than required to avoid deep thoughts...However, when I'm most still, I'm able to witness magical moments. Taking this first year of memories day by precious day...not wishing it away, being intentional with my time, my words, my memories. Having to constantly remind myself that when the flurry rises, I will be still.