It just doesn't feel like Christmas
yet...only three days away, most of the gifts are wrapped, the tree
is up, the weather is unseasonably warm. Feeling like I should be
more sad, heavy with deep remembrance. But I'm not. I'm content.
Feet moving forward to satisfy the checklist, taking time to breathe
and savor in between. I can only imagine it's a God-Thing....loads
of prayer keep me from staying in bed all day long. Keeping my eyes
heavenward keeps me from crying. Writing lets the truth bubble to
the surface. Not saying I haven't had my moments, but 80% of the
time I'm doing just fine. Thankful for friends that check in to see
if I'm still breathing, I can almost predict those that will check in
on Dec 25 and Jan 2. Two of the hardest days still to come. Moving
forward with curious anticipation. Boarding an airplane to spend the
holidays with dear friends...finally still and deep conversations
expected, a few tears may spill. But in this moment, I'm content.
Feeling like she was rescued and I'm truly overjoyed that she's no
longer suffering...on so many levels. She's in the safest place of
all. How can I be sad? I do miss hearing her soft voice always
seeing the shiny side of things. I do miss her velvety soft hands in
mine. I do miss snuggling up beside her in bed, each of us silently
browsing the latest Women's Day magazines. I even miss her loud
snores and that strange gurgling sound her belly made when she laid
on her left side.
She raised me well...the best she could
with the resources available. Now I'm making my own Christmas
memories...mother-child memories. Recreating that silent snuggle
with Maya as we browse thru our phones...her showing me the funniest
videos and playing the most elusive tunes. Cole reaches over a
squeezes my hand much more now... I love his adult sized hand in
mine. Oftentimes, I'll slide up and check his pulse like Mom did
when I was little...just to make sure all is well.
This Christmas indeed will be very
different...but today, in this moment, different is very, very good.
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