Update 4

Wide awake at 5:30am, feeling something just wasn’t quite right.  No missed emergency calls..itching to get back to the hospital to check on mom.  Arrived to find her still with us…deep exhale.  An extra iv had been plugged into her arm and the nurse confirmed her potassium and magnesium levels were low.  Big words and symptoms of liver failure.  Feeling extra weepy today.  It seems when Mom is strong, so am I.  Each day Angel and I arrive, she seems more tired and powerless.  The weaker she gets, the more often I cry.  I don’t know why I even bother putting on mascara every day.  I need to start carrying my own tissues as I’m always scrambling to find a clean place to wipe my nose.  

The doctors need us to make a decision…maintaining the IV fluids is just a band-aid.  Her body is unable to create the proteins she needs…aha moment…that’s why she asked for “protein” for dinner. She wanted meat instead of her standard ice cream diet.  Sweet girl.  No amount of beefy steak will reverse this situation. We need to make a decision to take her off of the IV fluids which will most likely begin the sad descent.  Scrambling, she wants to stay put until January so that she can take care of some bills.  Family meeting to discuss giving her the grace to let go.  We all need to tell her it will be ok.  We will all manage somehow.  We will take care of each other.  She doesn’t need to worry.  

We’ve all had our quiet time with Mom…I squeezed myself in bed with her today and let the tears fall on her shoulder.  Her baby-soft hands patted me like a baby until I could speak.  Bryan and Jody had sweet moments with her alone, too.  Their words secret and sacred forever.  

I will gather her bills and let her direct me one last time.