A week since we started this hospital visit, two days of chair-sleeping, gut-wretching updates and I'm a zombie. Never underestimate the healing effects of a warm shower...craving a little 'normal' time, I enjoy a beer with Tim as he traveled to visit over-night. Glad but sad to hear his updates and the routine..I am officially homesick. But then half-way thru our meal, I feel that familiar umbilical pull back to mother's side. Quick to pay and scurry back.
The start of bonus day#4... Groggy, I run into the doctor and he shows me current bloodwork results. Levels til today have looked good...I've been waiting for the shoe to drop....today, her ammonia is sky high...which explains her sleepiness and indicates her liver is now mostly cancer cells. Her suffering liver has now also effected the kidneys...making them struggle. Eating is futile...her organs aren't pulling nourishment from them anyway. To top it all off, her recent CT scan showed metastasized tumors are back in her bones. Thinking chemo had killed them months ago, Cancer is so unpredictable and determined to thrive. Doc is surprised she isn't in more pain. She had only the one small dose of morphine...hoping it stays that way. Shes been so witty and focused...a little slow to respond, requiring patience, but no pain. Thankful for that blessing...another silver lining.
Awake most of the day, she is surrounded by visiting friends and family members. But I can see her drift off somewhere far away...sad, afraid, the reality of it all setting in. She wants to discuss options...hospice, home? They certainly aren't kicking her out...shes getting the VIP treatment because she's one of their own.
At home base -Pepper Rd, so ready to sleep, feeling nauseous, awkward to be away from hospital, dirty, head aches, heart heavy... every cell is pulling downward. It feels like heaven to be held.
Tim leaves tomorrow and I'm so very sad. Jealous that he's doing routine, 'normal' tasks. I miss the kids terribly. As natural as this process is with Mom, nothing about it feels 'normal'.
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