Any day past Christmas is a bonus. Angel calls early to report that Mom called her to the hospital at 2:30am. A leaking drain making her surrounding skin burn. The staff brought in a sleeping chair, but Mom insisted that she snuggle with her instead. Angel is exhausted, happily running on fumes. We keep moving, one step in front of the other, strengthened by Mom. Switch shift, she returns for sleep and I motor in. Stopping by to pick up some Haagen Dazs vanilla ice cream…the one food I know she’ll enjoy.
Today more than others, I’m missing my family. I miss Tim’s hugs and the way he always makes me laugh. I miss Maya and her sweet wisdom and her silly sense of humor that I totally get. I miss Cole and the fact that he still lets me give him long hugs and his intuitive sensitivity. Maybe it’s Dierks, Blake, and Josh that are bringing the blues. My roots are showing as I’m starting to enjoy Country music again.
On the ride home each night, I pray that God will let her wake up in Heaven. A final peaceful sleep. Each morning, I check my phone and when I don’t see that missed call, I find myself disappointed. It’s terrible and I feel evil. I savor every second, but I hate seeing her afraid, humiliated from accidents, so weak, tired, plugged into numerous drips. It’s more than who she is, lower than what she deserves.
Today, Mom is clearly exhausted. More fuzzy…harder to get her thoughts clear. She’s afraid of being alone….asking if someone will stay with her. I’ll be here, don’t worry. I won’t leave if you don’t want me to. She has changed her plans and entertains going home again. Grasping straws…wanting to finish last minute tasks like sending thank you cards to doctors and high school friends. Worried that Dad will be alone, miss his doctor appointments, his meds. She wants to hear from Jody’s husband, Jamie to ensure he’s on board with them moving in with Dad afterwards. I haven’t told her that Dad believes having a toddler underfoot will be too much. I reassure her again that between the 3 siblings, we’ll have him covered. Looks like another family meeting. I just wish Dad would have his quiet time with her and reassure her…she needs it from him. She needs her husband to tell her it’ll all be ok but the words are too heavy for him to speak. I’m helpless to comfort the way he can.
She sleeps most of the day away and only eats half of a blueberry muffin and a small amount of strawberry milkshake. A dear friend visits and Mom enjoys listening to her read stories about Angels. She believes Angels live among us, keeping us safe, lifting us up.
Tonight, we all sleep in recliners…watching over her. Her own personal earth-bound Angels.
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