What Next?

Many have approached me to offer their thoughts on my writing, telling me they connected my loss with their own, many offering praise on my writing ability. Humbly, I offer my thanks, but this entire process has made me question everything. Every aspect of my life is up for inspection. Do I continue writing? Could I write as eloquently without the passion of those incredible moments? Deeper, what am I passionate about? What truly brings me joy?

I've attended many business related self-help seminars where you leave wired, ready to attack the world. Then shortly afterwards, you are exactly where you started. Sometimes even lower than you started with the added guilt of not performing up to par. This month has left me feeling like every single neuron is now sitting just barely beneath the surface. Beyond just feeling emotional, I crave more from every moment. I don't want to loose this heightened awareness. I don't want to look back in a few weeks, settled back into my routine, and see that I am exactly where I started. I want to examine every friendship. I want to be a better friend. I want to expect the same from those around me. I want to be a more present mom. I want to find what brings my family joy and shower it upon them. I want to remove those things around my home and in my life that do not bring me absolute joy. I don't want to be on my death bed and wish that I had done this life-examination sooner. I want to consider what I put in and on my body to encourage better health. Maya and I are now prime candidates for Cancer. Why not attack it before it rears it's ugly head..slowing any potential growth or prevent it in the first place? So many questions... An old friend at the funeral had recently experienced a similar loss and he mirrored my feelings of not wanting to loose this raw emotion...this heightened awareness. Do you have to experience extreme loss to feel this way? Hasn't everyone experienced some sort of loss? Could I possibly spread my Mom's kind of love among my family, my friends, my community? Would they get it? Would I appear crazy? Do I care? So many questions...where do I even begin?

Love seems as good a place as any to begin. I don't want to pick up some surface level challenge where I start paying Starbucks bills for the car behind me...it has to be more significant than that. There are so many people out there silently hurting. How do I reach them? My tea-shop gals shoot love and peace out in a radius around them like ripples in a pond. Is that enough? My mom had this gift of being able to tell when anyone needed more love. A townie gal bad-mouthed my mom, my family, and when we 'educated' her on the details instead of keeping her distance or becoming angry, she shocked us all by continuing to reach out to her. This gal was very ill, had experienced great loss, it was clearly eating her up inside and making her bitter. My mom saw through her anger and loved her still. Always checking in on her...loving her regardless of her exterior conditions. So, my questions become how do I find those silently hurting and how do I love them? And so it begins...my transformation into finding, spreading, and culminating love. Stick with me if you wish to join my revolution.