She's still swinging ...well, sleeping, but still with us. She's always more alert in the morning...I can talk to her and she answers. Still fuzzy, getting more confused...she tells me she's reaching for her name tag and badge...thinking she still works here. I'm on alert at 2:30, 3:30, then 4:30..sounding like she may wretch but there's nothing there to release. I ask the morning nurses to clean her up and change the sheets..a Twister-like feat to accomplish with patient still in bed..I watch amazed. Fresh sheets, clean, she looks so peaceful. The entire experience must be so exhausting. Breakfast is delivered and she obliges me with one mouthful of gruel looking oatmeal then skips right to ice cream. Asking why they always give her ice cream...breakfast, lunch, and dinner...because you're the Queen, didn't you know? Eyes closed, her eyebrows raise, amused.
Mom lets me read her my post written about her...Let Me Introduce You. She's quiet, I wonder if she's drifted off to sleep again, but I keep reading. Some parts harder to voice than others...I have to sneak over for a tissue. At the end, her hands folded together on her chest, she quietly offers her feedback..."beautiful. Just beautiful." I tell her it's all true...and that we all think that about her. We wonder what she is clinging to...a family member returns to town on the 15th. She mentioned withdrawing 401k funds in January, entering a different tax year. We all take turns whispering words of release. What will it take...we don't want to watch further decline.
I've decided to trek back to Shrewsbury for the evening to spend time with the family before Maya and Cole return to school. Just one evening to repack, regroup, reboot, and reconnect. The escort home was difficult, clumsy, like I had new legs walking in the wrong direction. But closer to home, I became excited to return to routine, lay in my own bed, squeeze and snuggle with our children, use my favorite soap, make a proper cup of tea, heck, even pet our dog, Charlie! The four of us enjoy some competitive Ping-Pong then I discover the therapeutic nature of slaughtering zombies with Cole. Liberating! Maya's turn, we snuggle in her bed and she divulges her 'boy story', showing me his Instagram pics... she's excited. Not wasting time on sleep, Tim and I run quick errands, finally open our gifts, then later, enjoy visit with friends. I truly am one blessed girl.
This entire process has been overwhelming, all encompassing. I don't want to be that girl, the one felt sorry for. The one people whisper 'did you know'? I want to return to the unassuming smile-filled girl. Baby steps.
In the dark, I wake and can't recall where I am. I think Tim is Mom. I'm home. Relief. Morning comes and we both remember in a few short hours, I'll depart for my trek back to her side. Excited to see her, expecting more decline.
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