Last I Love You

I wake at 12am to moaning...this time laced with pain.  I approach to study her face and hands...indicators of pain, I've sadly learned.  Nurse agrees and administers the smallest possible dose of Morphine.  Until the medicine kicks in, I hum old Sunday School hymns to calm her..it always worked on my babes.  Jesus Loves Me and He's Got the Whole World In His Hands seem to work on calming both of us.  I slip off and wake unexpectedly at 1:30am.  I could see her inhaling and exhaling long and slow...with silent pauses in-between that seemed to extend with each breath.  I knew I needed to rise and be with her, but for a few moments, I'm frozen.  If I just lay here, everything will go back to normal.  I know what's coming, but I can't move.  This is what I'm here for, what we've all been praying for.  So, I will one leg to move, then another and then I'm bedside. I tell her it's ok, that I'm here.  Never-ending pause between breaths, then a short inhale.  I tell her she scares me every time she does that.   I cover her frail hand with mine and tell her that I love her, that we all love her.  That she has been an amazing mom and taught me so much, that I'll share it and continue her loving legacy.  I tell her that we'll miss her terribly, but that we'll see her again soon.  Exhale. No inhale.  I wait, is this just another long pause?  No inhale.  Still no inhale.  I know in my soul that she's gone.  1:45am. A beautiful and peaceful death. Thank You, Jesus.

I calmly tell the night nurse that I think she has passed and she comes to listen to her heart.  I can tell by her searching that she can't find a beat.  Tears finally fall.  Weeks of planning have come to this..my head starts reeling thru necessary phone calls.  Jody, Bryan, Angel, Dad. Angel arrives quickly and I comfort her...overcome that she wasn't present for final moments.  Mom wanted it that way.   I am calm and I get to work.   Gathering hospital belongings, the somber trek to Pepper Road, early morning phone calls, funeral home arrangements, pastor and church confirmations, boxing sentimental items. Sweet family members bring sandwiches...didn't realize I was so hungry and I appreciate the laughter. At 3pm, the wall hits and I crash...napping on Mom's bed...expecting her to snuggle up with her Redbook.  Dinner together then I am itchy to get home home.  The rest can wait til Monday. 

This experience has been such a blessing...it may not seem that way to some, but these 12 days have created such memories, tender, funny, emotional...not soon forgotten and may quite possibly change the way I express love myself.  It's hard to journey thru this and not come out changed somehow.   She ushered me into this world, the least I can do is hold her hand and help usher her out.   It was my complete honor to love on, lift up, pray for, and stand beside this beautiful woman, Linda Kay Elliott, my mother.