A Simple Procedure

A simple procedure to check off the list, I headed in last week for a mamo/sono combo. No worries felt, I checked in and was quickly whisked back by a charming nurse named Marie. I remember a fleeting recognition as that was my maternal grandmother's name. Such an old school name. She graciously kept conversation light during such an awkward procedure and we bonded over Eastern shore roots. No concern voiced, she carried quite a poker face. Tidied up and directed onward to the mammogram portion of the office, I changed into the next colored gown...pink. How appropriate. Trying to lift the tension with the other two waiting ladies, I joked about our lovely pink gowns. Tough crowd. Thoughts spin towards the reasons for their visit. We wait patiently for our names to be called. The nurse passes and calls, “Elliott” and I start to rise, but remember that's my maiden name. Reclaiming my position, I explain to the true Elliott that I once carried that name. Still no smile. Oh well...strange coincidence except I don't believe in coincidences.

Finally hearing “Weigard”, I follow the nurse down the hall towards our machine filled room. The nurse is distracted, chatting loudly with other nurses on our path, accidentally poking me in the neck with her gesturing hands. Let's just get on with the squish. Cold hands, awkward stance, robotic words , “Don't move, Don't breathe”. Then, “My name is Linda”. And it hits me. There in the squish machine, tears start to fall. At first from the pain, then from the realization that I had not one, not two, but THREE God sightings. It takes me a bit longer than most to pick up on things. Thank goodness He's patient with me. The nurse notices my wet face that I can't seem to wipe because I can't move and I can't breathe. Asking if I'm okay, I quietly explain that my mom died of breast cancer...still oblivious, she brushes me off explaining that her sister is a 20 year survivor and medicine has changed so much. Super. I breathlessly add, “but her name was Linda”. Another laugh...no...I slow it down for her. My Mom.  Who died of breast cancer. Her name was also Linda. And she gets it. Finally free of the machine, I seek out tissues to sop up my face. Joking that she'll have no more clients if I leave looking like a prize fighter, I try hard to gather myself together. Trying to make her feel better, instead.

Heading back to my little closet to ditch the wretched pink robe and more tissues to dab the waterworks, I throw on my sunglasses so I can walk out in disguise. Once in the safety of my car, the flood rebuilds. Thankful for the sightings, but wondering what they mean...is there a diagnosis I should fear? Praying for comfort, answers...hearing that still small voice say, “I'm here, I'm always here. I've got you”. So regardless of result, I'm good.

Update: Clean mamo, sono found 4cm ovarian cyst. Calling it simple, normal. Just waiting for it to pop and dissolve. Had to dig for the kids ruler to measure 4cm..an inch and a half. Still no worries, praying for a pop!  Grateful for sightings as a sweet reminder to always be on the lookout for more.

Hospital Visit

Some time has passed since I posted in Silver Lining... been blessed with starting a new business and balancing volunteer and family time.  I had to stop in and share a few sweet moments that made me realize how far I've come.

Volunteering at the Community Closet, I have the opportunity to meet many souls.  Some could so easily be scurried past, meek and almost invisible.  But not this one.  He is a regular (intentionally leaving his name out)...he hobbles in, confidently grabbing his personal seat pad and claiming his spot on the bench. I've loved chatting with him, creating a relationship with this 70+ year old man...listening to his Army memories, smiling as he teases his wife. Lately though, his color has faded, his breathing labored, he rocks ever so slightly in efforts to distract the pain.  Overcome with Cancer, it has taken root in his lungs.  He has taken a turn for the worse and is now in Palliative care...a word that instantly punched me in the chest with memories of Mom.  There was no doubt about visiting him...I felt the pain and worry, and did it anyway.

I drove with a friend and prayed most of the morning in preparation...asking for extra strength and the right words to offer comfort. It was he that provided comfort, instead.  He spoke of his priorities upon leaving this earth...he could not wait to see the face of Jesus.  He was ready to sit at His feet and offer praise.  Then, he was determined to see the Blessed Mother Mary.  Afterwards, he wants to see his family members.  Excited to see his grandparents that passed before he was born.  Then, and only then, he would occupy his mansion.  So confident, full of excitement.  He only teared when speaking of his wife of 54 years.  He would miss her.  We would nurture her.  We held his hand, wiping tears away, as he entertained us with tales from his youth.  We were laughing, crying, and left uplifted.  So grateful to have the opportunity to meet this soul.  Leaving, I wouldn't say goodbye... see you later, instead.

He is good stuff....salt of the earth.  He didn't have much, but he did have unlimited amounts of courage and love.  It weighed heavy to enter a hospital, passing the Chapel, hitting that elevator button, reliving that smell, those looks, seeing Morphine administered...thankful that I received that extra dose of strength I asked for because I couldn't imagine letting him pass without telling him he is so loved. 

Nice and Cute

Those that don't know me will immediately read this as a boast post...know me better.

Coined 'nice' and 'cute' my entire life, I've been quite content to float along on those accolades. There's certainly nothing terrible about being 'nice' and 'cute'....But, this past year I've felt that more is required. Those two adjectives simply no longer satisfy. Often content to let others do the digging, consider the decisions, make a difference. Letting hours go without telling my children I love them because I'm making dinner or mindlessly busying myself. Speaking vanilla words of the weather when there's so much more to unearth. After church recently, I drifted right by a woman sitting alone, looking so very sad, drained. That still, small voice encouraged me to speak, share that million dollar smile. I didn't. Worried I'd delay the family, I continued on my path. Deciding instead, I had no time to check on her. It affected me all day long. Still does.

Walking around with such power potential, but motoring in neutral. Skating along, giving only a fraction of my full jets in every aspect of my life. Power to change lives, to speak truth, to simply share a smile, but choosing often to lay low and play it safe instead. What a terrible and overwhelming waste. Often considering what others would say at my funeral, I can imagine 'cute' and 'nice' scattered often. What I desire instead is 'life-changing', 'inspiring', 'her smile could brighten the room', 'she gave all', 'she made me feel worthy, beautiful'.

Confident there is grand potential to do such extraordinary things...tapping into that power on a daily basis is the tricky part....one that requires great renewal of the mind. So often I hear my own belittling mind chatter 'you aren't good enough', 'you aren't smart enough'...releasing is difficult. Craving chatter that is empowering and guiding over the stifling and restraining. Quieting that inner monster takes great strength. So I pray. Pray for strength, insight, wisdom. Pray for powerful words to sink soul deep for the changing of lives. Pray for sweet connections.

A year-long change has occurred...a shifting into overdrive. No longer settling into 'nice' and cute', but instead, harnessing them for greater good. Sharing a smile, attentively attuned to moments of encouragement, asking hard questions...for my family, for others. No longer satisfied to rest. No longer passing the sad woman on the bench. The creating of a happier world, first starting from within, then expanding to my family, my community. I can no longer sit idle hiding my light under a basket. So that at the end of my days, I'll hear 'well done...you used what I gave and multiplied. You never hid it from the world, instead you shared and inspired others to do the same'. Well done.

 

But Not Now

Very soon, I'll post glamorous photos of a most beautiful kitchen renovation.  New countertops, polished farmers sink, sparkling floors and crisp painted walls.  But not now.  Slowly, the beauty is emerging...most certainly, we are blessed.  But right now there is a storm in every direction...piles of misplaced cleaning supplies while the sink is awaiting a crucial piece, all décor removed and settled in another room (renamed Home Goods), boxes of unwanted items headed for donation.  Thin layers of dust covering every surface including my nose, eyes, and ears.  Very soon, everything will be tucked back into place.  But not now. 


Renovation has taken its toll on my soul as well...reconsidering every single utensil, bowl, dish to determine purpose.  Deep thoughts over that fifth springform pan...how many cheesecakes did I really expect to bake at once?  Paralleling it to my life...boiling it down to most important.  Proudly  saying NO this week to assisting with one more event and attending one more ladies night.  Weighing each task, event, volunteer opportunity.  Definitely including a few frivolous make-my-soul-happy items and events (keeping the purple dinosaur for its sheer smile factor and continue to schedule intentional time with friends to keep my sanity in check). 

Several days of feeling flitty, adrift, overwhelmed, taking frustration out on hubby and kiddos reminded me of the importance of keeping grounded amidst the storm.  Further inspection finding I hadn't taken the time to be still, a chance to recharge.  Instead, jumping out of bed like a sprint runner to attack the dust and piles.  Returning to my routine of sitting quietly, praying, recharging helped to reclaim proper focus. 

So, let the dust fall, the piles will be sorted shortly...but not now. 

Mean Girl Rant

Making a date with a mom I've admired for a very long time, it didn't take long before her precious heart was bare and she shared her anxious thoughts with me. Her eldest daughter, beautiful and confident, was harassed for being a Christian. Tweeted pics circulated showing her teammates in a mocking pose with hands pressed in prayer. Same girls mocking her lacrosse goals by asking if God had done that, or if her prayer made the goal. Immediately offended, surprised...but then I recalled how simple it was to be the mean girl.

I was a high school mean girl.

 

To the majority, I was kind, innocent, joyful. But two girls received the brunt of my jealous wrath. Encouraging my entire table of senior girls to turn and glare at a stunning underclassman with a modeling career during our entire lunch period. My smiling face dissolved whenever she passed in the hallway. Another girl, transplanted into a small-country town of big trucks and cow-tipping, was mocked because of her fashion forward hair style. I suppose my pecking order felt threatened...or it was just easier to mock than to confess my own weakness. So much more difficult to authentically connect with others, understand who they are and why, appreciating their differences, and not feel internally threatened. Shameful it took 43 years to source and secure my identity. Unsure what advice to give my dear friend...this sort of bullying has endured since cave-woman days and will likely continue til end-o-times. Sad that it often doesn't end in high school.

To the harassed, this former mean girl apologizes for the current tribe. Forgive them for they know not what they do. Keep being your unique self regardless of the murmur it creates.

To the mean girls, grow secure in your self...there will always be a prettier, smarter girl. Find your self and you won't need to degrade it in others. The enlightening thing I've discovered in my years since being a mean girl is that every single one of us is uniquely broken on the inside. The most beautiful girl feels ugly. The smartest girl often has no idea how to interact with others. We're all struggling to be heard, to feel important, to find solid ground.

To the beautiful girls I harassed...I'm deeply sorry. My mean girl card now archived, but still I feel much regret for what I've done.

Liebster Award Winner!

It seems I've been nominated for a Liebster Blogging Award! Now don't go getting all impressed...it's more of a blogging chain letter akin to the sharing of friendship bread starters and recipe emails. Nominated by my very awe-inspiring not-sure-how-she-does-it-all bestie, Cara Achterberg of carawrites.com , anothergooddog.wordpress.com , kidfriendlyorganiclife.blogspot.com , themamaload.blogspot.com , and published author of Live Intentionally and I'm Not Her. She inspires me to write and thinks I do a pretty decent job of it myself, so I'm playing along.

I'll answer her ten questions, nominate other blogs (allowing you to investigate my favorite blogs), giving them ten new questions. Here goes:

1. Name three things you would buy if you had won the latest Powerball lottery that went to 1.5 billion.

After secretly dispersing funds to extended family members (nurturing our poor roots) and donating ridiculous amounts to the York Regional Dream Center, HOPE, and Denton Hospice, I'd pay a professional to restore my beloved '67 Mustang, fulfill my bucket list desire by securing a lifetime spot as the Baltimore Ravens mascot Poe allowing me to act anonymously silly forever, then explore every continent with my husband and children.

2. Which Winnie-the-Pooh character are you?

My first instinct is Piglet because he's so cute and pink, but upon further reflection, he's quite timid and negative. I've never been a Tigger (Ritalin) or an Eeyore (Prozac), my personality best leans toward Pooh...always willing to help with optimistic abandon, always willing and able to see the silver lining, and a lover of all things sweet. Yup..that's me.

3. Why do you blog?

I started blogging to quickly communicate updates on Mom's condition as she passed from this world. I continued blogging for therapy in the months afterwards. There's something cathartic about having spinning thoughts manifest into letters and words...a release, a revelation. In the process, I'm honored to find that I help other souls to grow, heal, or relate.

4. What's the best compliment someone can give your blog?

I often get the honorous compliment that people like my writing voice. I simply spill what's within. The best compliment is when I discover someone has connected to my content...a void filled, an inspired outlook. That's stuff for the soul, there.

5. What was the last book you read & do you recommend it?

The last book I read was The Customer Rules by Lee Cockerell. I consumed and absorbed it. Heading into a new adventure serving the ladies of our area in a fresh, alternative way, The Customer Rules offered great insight on creating better ways to serve and support. I strongly recommend it to anyone that deals with humans.

6. Are you a dog or cat person and why?

Our dog, Charlie, fully understands, appreciates and does not judge that I am not a dog person. I am certainly neither a cat person. With that said, when no one watches, I do offer the occasional belly rub and noggin pat. He's good stuff, doesn't chew my furniture or ruin the floors. He can stay.

7. What is your latest writing project beyond the blog?

I recently started a second blog: silverliningsharings.wordpress.com to gather and share the phenomenal stories of women that have traveled thru heartache and emerged scarred but positive. Also gathering material for a third blog (top secret clearance required).

8. Who would you most like to interview and blog about?

I'm a story gatherer...loving that part in conversation when you stop talking about the surface stuff and really talk about what's important..the stuff that scares you, the stuff that brings you joy. Everyone has a story, but for this question I'll go big...I'd love to interview Bono, Ree Drummond, Drew Barrymore, and my great Aunt Bootsie.

9. What cool button do you wish your blog had?

I'm pretty much a Kindergartner when it comes to blogs, Cara has to keep me in line with what's proper and trendy. Dreaming big, it would be cool if thoughts tied with technology and left me a little tally of lingering post-read reflection and water cooler discussion. On the fun side, I'd love to have hand selected songs play in the background while you read my post.... AC/DC, U2, Hillsong!

10. What do you eat/serve for dinner WAY more often than you should?

Running between sports and being the only person in the house that eats leftovers, I find cereal as the main course way more often than I am thrilled to report. Currently on day four of bean soup.

Ok...so that wasn't awful. Now it's time to list the next Liebster Award nominees:

1. www.thepioneerwoman.com - Ree Drummond takes the best pictures, blogs, homeschools, has her own amazing line of cookbooks, a line of cookware at Walmart. I'd love to hear how she juggles everything.
2. www.Onelittlemomma.com – Kilee is a super cute momma of four boys that hand creates the most amazing leather earrings (nickelandsuede.com) all while providing easy style advice and DIY tips on her blog.
3. www.Mommyinheelsblog.com – Rebecca offers effortless style and owns my favorite downtown boutique: Elizabeth and West. Always adorable...even bravely posting a pic sans make-up!
4. www.Beautyandtheboutique.com – Katie blogs and vlogs all things make-up and fashion...I relate to her constant desire to make women feel beautiful...plus she's British and I love listening to her lilt.

Ok...here are your ten questions nominees:

1. What's your morning routine?
2. What book have you read twice?
3. Are you an early bird or a night owl?
4. What is your favorite scripture, and why?
5. Describe your perfect day.
6. Name two guilty pleasures.
7. If you were an OPI color, what would you be named?
8. What is your go-to for de-stressing?
9. Name one person you secretly wished read your blog.
10. What do you love about blogging? What do you dislike?

To play along, here's what you have to do:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link their blog in your post.
2. Copy and paste the Liebster Award badge into the post.
3. Answer the ten questions you were given when you were nominated.
4. List ten questions you want your nominees to answer.
5. Nominate other bloggers. Inform them by commenting on their blog with the news that they've just been nominated and there's no escape. Be sure to link your Liebster award post.

Thanks, Cara, for continuing to nudge my writing. xo

Letter to my Daughter

Once again, my 15 year old daughter has been called a bitch by a grown woman. Once prior, her friend's mom used that describing word almost in place of her proper name. Now again....a new sad soul shared it aloud while she was cheerleading. That word seems more a reflection of the speakers own insecurities and sadness than an accurate portrayal. In this world, it so often seems that the strong, confident woman is seen to echo that word. Approaching said woman took every ounce of God-strength to retract the momma-bear claws and calm the pounding heart. Speaking very intently, instead, with guidance and hopeful correction. I seriously doubt my words will change the soul of said woman, but the more important lesson was found side-by-side back at home with my daughter.

Darling....this won't be the last time you will hear that word fired at you. The object is to not let it settle into your bones. You are not that word. You instead, are a confident woman...not afraid to speak up towards injustice. You are instead lovely to the core. You have been placed in this world for large and lofty purposes. You will be disappointed at times by your circumstances, your family, your friends...but don't absorb that disappointment...don't become a cynic. Learn from it and keep your head held high. Those with great strength carry great responsibility. I know you carry enough strength for any task because you tap into a deep and ever-present source. There are many sad souls in this world and I've learned far too well that they don't like smiley-happy-confident women... all the more reason to be smiley-happy-confident! Know that I loved you before you breathed air and will forever be amazed and proud of your poise, wisdom, strength...the exact things sad souls call the B-word. So, embrace your B's and know you must be doing something worthy of such praise!