A-ha Moments

My last post, since deleted, stirred family feathers, so I sat remorseful, tail between my legs, feeling censored. But words weigh heavy, desperately wanting to be released. Thoughts churning unsettled until they're on paper. 

 

For now, I'll stick with benign topics...some A-ha moments from these past few weeks.

A-ha #1:  When tired, rushed, not grounded in prayer, my words often skim surfaces,  at times unintentionally wounding. Working on becoming and remaining intentional with my words. Three occasions this week presented awareness that small deposits have uplifted, enlightened. What kind of an effect could be made if I truly turned on the jets? Depositing words that are based on good listening and soul based inquiries? How humbling that I could make an impact on another life.  Aiming to use my powers for good...

A-ha #2:  Some people come into your life for a season....lessons received or given, then unexpectedly, while making yourself a cup of tea one morning you realize you haven't talked in months. That awkward silence with far too many life gaps to fill. Then you wonder if the lesson is complete or was the lesson unable to be taught?

A-ha #3:  Some that have nearly nothing will gladly give everything they have to help others. An entire post on that topic is brewing....things I've noticed during volunteer time at the Community Closet. Desperate hearts, willing volunteers, grateful souls. Life changing stuff.

A-ha #4:  Feeling like a storm is coming...not ready for it to be one full year. I'd prefer to stay closest to the last moments I had with her.  Not wanting it to fade. Perhaps that's why I still write. Unable to attend her hometown event, Apple Scrapple fest in Bridgeville, De because that's when the decline began. Then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, and finally New Years. Holidays that carry major weight for me now. Staying busy to create fresh memories but still not ready to forget.

 

 

Mentally and physically scattered, but growing, changing in every moment.  Becoming a better version of myself...one that represents a good human to my children, that speaks loving words to my husband, and carries a full cup to more effectively help others.  Definitely a work and delicate balance in progress. 

Challenge - Intentional Schedules

We're in full blown baseball mode...practice every week day but Wednesday and tournaments on the weekends.  This busy schedule has forced me to become very intentional with my extra time...weighing out every appointment, chore, task, visit.  Seems the more time I have, the more time I waste.  This trimmed schedule allows me to only add the most crucial tasks. 

Not too long ago, I volunteered for everything...saying yes to all.  Standing in as Mentor Mom for our local M.O.P.S. crew, organized merchants for the York Bloom Art Market,  filled my brain and soul
at Bible study, joined a Knitting and Crocheting club, and sat in on the newborn meetings of our local donation center.  Unsure why at the time, I began to retreat and empty my plate of activities feeling over-occupied.  Then Mom got really sick. Suddenly, the need to clear decks made sense.  Ready to add things back to my plate, I'm finding myself extremely selective.  Things that once interested me,  no longer carry the same luster.  So, I pause...I ponder...I pray.  Adding in only the best, most important things.  Time is super precious and I don't want to waste a single drop. 

This selective process has made me reexamine what exactly makes me happy...not simply laugh, but truly make me happy.  It's a tough question I'm still dissecting. 

So, this week I enforced a 2-day limit to volunteering, cheered like mad at five baseball games, reconnected with an old friend, and carved out time with a new friend.   Two more unused furniture pieces departed, while I added extra workouts to accommodate holiday gnoshing and upcoming beach visits.  I was able to stay dry eyed when I heard Mom's funeral song, but got misty when Melissa Rivers recounted her last moments with Joan, climbing into the bed with her.  I count this week in the good column.

Challenge - Time for Self & Others

Learning that there are close friends dealing with issues bigger than mine, shaking off the blues, I pulled up my britches, helped a friend and began volunteering at my church donation center. It felt good...like soul-satisfying kinda good. One task less for my friend to complete and an opportunity to help others in more dire straits than my own. Like everything else, though, there is balance to be found. Never wanting to be mindlessly busy. Never wanting to become the self-less martyr. Finding if I start with stillness, asking if the task is mine, I can filter out the tasks that are best left for others. Balancing helping others with making time for myself was delicate. So much of what I do, what any mother does, is for others...family, friends, church, community. I craved and sought out something solely for me this week and found it in Yoga. Setting up my mat, block, blankets, quieting my mind while waiting patiently for the teacher to instruct me. Praying hands to heart, I set my intention...instant tears. What IS my intention? Not just for that hour of Yoga, but for Life in general. Am I flitting around, untethered, from one event or crisis to another? Tabling that deep thought for another time and moving from one pose to another. Balance and I are not best friends, so all I could do was concentrate on holding still. No awareness of others in the room, not concerned that they might scoff my angles or judge my poses. The post Yoga Shavasna is my favorite part...an hour of intention towards every muscle ends with complete stillness. Pushing aside busy mind chatter of tasks, concerns, conversations, only hearing my breath. All tension melts away. Left feeling such peace and ready to filter out the unimportant from my list. Another first for me this season was hitting the ground running, literally. Tim and I went for a hearty run thru the neighborhood...my first run in over a year. It wasn't pretty. The final stretch includes a Mt. Everest climb up the hill parallel to our home. My mailbox is the finish line and I ceremoniously threw my hands up in celebration/relief while desperately gasping for air. Not a glamorous look, but it was complete and it was all for me. Deciding that my schedule needs to allow equal time for me and for others. Time to refill the tank so I can properly love.

Challenge - Week 7 & 8

Week Seven into my challenge and I call a big, fat, giant redo! Backing up a little, there was certainly joy to be found...a full day getting to know a new friend and liking what I found. Pleased with myself that I stepped out of my comfort zone and made my own play date. The house is also certainly becoming more joy-filled...Tim is pleased that his basement is coming together and retaining it's testosterone. Challenge items checked.

The call for redo circled around my children this week. I found myself feeling like the red-headed step child (no offense to red-headed step children). Seemingly good things went unappreciated and like a sleepy toddler, I declared a end to all nice things...forever. As if. In hind sight, I realize doing nice things doesn't always generate the excitement you expect. Realistically, I have two elevated and amazing children and I should realize that bad days, or several bad days are par for the teenage course.

A secondary redo is called and retracted for the process of fluffing our nest. Eleven years of primer in our bedroom was finally refreshed with a calming coat of grey paint. The process required dresser drawers being removed, drop cloths laid, switch plates removed, heavy furniture moved from it's very fixed spot...One task requiring two or three additional steps...very 'If You Give A Mouse A Cookie' type of a process. Knee deep in Spring Cleaning needy furniture while Tim diligently painted. Waiting for the swan to emerge from the ugly and very dusty duckling. Walls finished and furniture replaced, I'm happy with our new space. Piles gone, dust removed, it's a sweet, love-filled place. Framing Tim's artwork to present a meaningful view versus a quickly bought massed-produced print. Another often passed room now features yellow curtains that spill butter colored light over a pair of rustic piggies that make me chuckle. I suppose with any new growth, some pains must occur. Accepting the pain and waiting patiently for the grand reveal.

 

Week Eight brought me far too much free time. Feeling like a spoiled-first-world-stay-at-home mom, but with too much free time comes waste. Finding days that are structured are more productive. By mid-week, I realized I needed a schedule. Something I can rely on to fill my days. Work out, devotions, time-structured cleaning (or else I'd clean all day or not at all), leaving time for errands, writing, volunteering, or an impromptu lunch.

Too much time also left excess space for thinking and dwelling. Easter was tough...her loss heavy in the meaningful songs during church service, while preparing a meal for the family, and resisting the urge to call her. Instead of dwelling, I sought out a space to volunteer. Hoping that helping others will redirect my pains. My problems aren't nearly as all-consuming and destructive as others. Choosing to spread the love instead of keeping it hidden under a depressed and broken basket.