Forgiveness - Part Deux

Writing about Forgiveness and actually doing are two different beasts. Seems I've been quite content to let bitterness consume me from within. Surrounded by suggestion... a sermon about offering forgiveness before too late. Then, darling husband asks almost daily if I've called my Dad. I read a fabulous book on what it's like to live in another person's shoes which makes me consider how little I know about his life, his fears. Then, this morning's devotional reads 'instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow' (2 Corinthians 2: 7). Oftentimes slow on the uptake, but lately it's felt like a battering ram!

Couldn't I just write a letter? Written words flow more smoothly. Can't it wait til a personal visit? No, Lisa...call today. Call right now. That heavy soul-knocking urge to call weakens my resolve and I reach for the phone. Not in my favorites list, I have to search for his name. What will I say? I know I can't get thru much without breaking down. Ring Ring...maybe he's still asleep...he's known to sleep til noon. Instead, I get a sleepy hello. Uggg. Ok, I'm being obedient...Good morning.

Those first awkward steps of conversation aren't pretty....clumsily trudging thru...I know the meaty parts are coming... bursting to spill. That deafening silence and then I hear myself say the words I've withheld for years.

Can you forgive me?  I've been angry at you for how things went down with Mom.

Can you forgive me?  I was angry because I would have done things so differently. I was completely unaware of your perspective....what it was like living in your shoes.

I don't know how he'll process my call...choppy with tears and gulps for air. Not sure if he feels confusion or clarity. Feeling the same way, myself. There's so much more to purge. Baby steps.

 

 

Challenge - Long Road Home

This week presented a long hometown trek to visit family the first time since her funeral. I planned a visit with my Great Aunt Bootsie before too much time slipped by. Realizing I had procrastinated this trip. The road so familiar now reminded me of hospital trips. No longer feeling that anxious anticipation to get home...no more umbilical pull...as if I was headed somewhere foreign. Found myself anxious, defensive, offensive...how will Dad appear? Has he been keeping up with bills and his health? Will the house be a wreck? Still angry with grandma for not attending funeral. Bit the bullet and made most difficult stop first...Dad, brother and grandma all present. Dad seemed alert, happy, organized. Brother proudly busy. Grandma weaker still and paper thin. Talks of forgiveness truly hitting the pavement in true form. Smile and spread joy, love. Quick visit then off to Pepper Road...busy niece is asleep fresh from the night shift. Too excited to wait, I awaken her for hugs. She is filling Mom's shoes too well...helping keep Dad fed and house cleaned. Funny, I no longer have the compulsive desire to help clean.

Afternoon spent with Bootsie enjoying lunch but we both notice an obvious absence. Long quiet

pauses fill our chats. We both miss her so. We visit her gravesite together...brother, sister, and grandbabes visit often to place flowers and release balloons but I don't find her there. Just dirt and faded plastic flowers. Laying out favorite lilacs while Bootsie pulls weeds...her own compulsive desire then we're off. Excited to see what flowers are emerging at Bootsie's beautiful garden...Mom always enjoyed lingering there , too. She shares her blooms with me to grow at home. She's excited to have the company and I sense she doesn't want me to leave...”just one more thing”. Sadly, we part after numerous I love you's and I begin the long return trek. The trip not nearly as bad as anticipated...life has continued.

Forgiveness

My deepest thoughts gather in the early morn...the house is quiet, the dog content, as I brush my teeth and hair.  Pondering how a fairly joy-filled day can be completely undone by the presence of select humans that grate my ever-loving soul. Small in number, but one powerful effect. Trying my best to avoid them, yet adrenaline and hairs rise when paths cross. Past pain simply outweighs being polite. My happy cart left completely tipped. Hoping I'm not alone here.  Justifying avoidance by not wanting to 'cast my pearls before swine'... however, we're also to 'forgive 70 times 7'. So which is it? Today, I realized that one does not negate the other. No need to blindly offer the best of me to the few that would manipulate and mangle while awaiting an apology never delivered.  Forgiving them for hurtful words and actions, instead. Forgiving doesn't mean I have to maintain toxic relationships...it just means not letting it consume me.  Forgiveness means I'm letting someone higher than me judge actions.  Forgiving also doesn't mean approving of actions.  Pain won't be forgotten, but won't define me. Working on releasing that gut-punch reaction at sight, choosing instead to send positive vibes their way. My own kind of happy sabotage. So liberating and somewhat sneaky.

This idea of forgiveness seems easier said than done, the most difficult part will be executing daily. Not a one and done deal, thinking this will require daily action.  Repetitive mind over matter. Another exercise in renewing the mind...replacing negative with positive, sending love versus indifference. Retraining the brain. Each day is presenting new challenges, new insight. Certainly way off from perfect, yet ever evolving. Attempting to forgive so I can fully love.