Holes in the Wall

In efforts to prepare for a visit from my father-in-law and his wife, I panicked and had a serious 'If You Give a Mouse a Cookie' moment. I adore visits from my father-in-law. But I do have to step up my Homemaker game when he's in town. Bathroom cabinets are organized, base boards dusted, meals organized and prepared. All I wanted to do was hide the wi-fi cords. But, hiding the cords meant moving the surge protector. Moving the surge protector prompted a shelf shuffle. The shelf shuffle required the removal of a curtain tie-back. The removal of the curtain tie-back resulted in four glaring holes in the wall. One week til arrival and now the room requires a complete room repaint all for a small collection of cables.

He loves us regardless of the condition of our home. Made me ponder past relationships that I would over nurture and images I sought to portray to ensure my seemingly fragile social status. Ultimately, I learned, I could be the juiciest peach in the orchard and someone will still not like peaches. I could clean til my fingers bled and someone will still spot something I missed. I could carry the sweetest smile and speak the kindest words, and someone will still find fault. I'll have a chat with father-in-law and laugh about how silly I was, reminding him that every waking moment is spent spoiling my children at baseball games and shuffling them to friend visits. One day, when the house is quiet and the kids are gone, I'll have a pristine house...until then, my windows will be dirty, the floors have puppy prints, and you may or may not find a cereal bowl hidden in my son's bedroom. Until then, I'm talking myself off the cleaning ledge and looking forward to a visit with four extra holes in the wall.

Challenge - Long Road Home

This week presented a long hometown trek to visit family the first time since her funeral. I planned a visit with my Great Aunt Bootsie before too much time slipped by. Realizing I had procrastinated this trip. The road so familiar now reminded me of hospital trips. No longer feeling that anxious anticipation to get home...no more umbilical pull...as if I was headed somewhere foreign. Found myself anxious, defensive, offensive...how will Dad appear? Has he been keeping up with bills and his health? Will the house be a wreck? Still angry with grandma for not attending funeral. Bit the bullet and made most difficult stop first...Dad, brother and grandma all present. Dad seemed alert, happy, organized. Brother proudly busy. Grandma weaker still and paper thin. Talks of forgiveness truly hitting the pavement in true form. Smile and spread joy, love. Quick visit then off to Pepper Road...busy niece is asleep fresh from the night shift. Too excited to wait, I awaken her for hugs. She is filling Mom's shoes too well...helping keep Dad fed and house cleaned. Funny, I no longer have the compulsive desire to help clean.

Afternoon spent with Bootsie enjoying lunch but we both notice an obvious absence. Long quiet

pauses fill our chats. We both miss her so. We visit her gravesite together...brother, sister, and grandbabes visit often to place flowers and release balloons but I don't find her there. Just dirt and faded plastic flowers. Laying out favorite lilacs while Bootsie pulls weeds...her own compulsive desire then we're off. Excited to see what flowers are emerging at Bootsie's beautiful garden...Mom always enjoyed lingering there , too. She shares her blooms with me to grow at home. She's excited to have the company and I sense she doesn't want me to leave...”just one more thing”. Sadly, we part after numerous I love you's and I begin the long return trek. The trip not nearly as bad as anticipated...life has continued.

Challenge - Week Six

The highlight of my week was a long lunch spent with my Aunt Gail.  A most excellent story teller, an expert at the art of conversation, and close as sisters to my Mom, she had plenty of belly-laughing stories for me and I know there'll be more next time.  I realize quickly that it was Mom that updated me on Gail and her family...sad realization of loss like a paper cut to the heart.  She warms my soul.  I  hope she knows how much joy thru laughter and concern she gifts to me.  Many blessings to her, my sweet Aunt. 

Tuesday allowed me to participate in my current guilty pleasure of the most mild variety... standing
in as smoothie-maker / tea-brewer at my favorite local tea shop.  Always amazed at the variety of customers it drawls, I enjoy making conversations and spreading more joy.  I whip up their order, they smile, say thank you and are off to pursue the rest of their day hopefully a bit happier.  This week, however, I encountered a customer of a different sort... uber needy, self-aggrandizing, with some un-nameable underlying dark force.  Life certainly would be pretty grand if you only dealt with unicorns and rainbows every day, but I suppose one dark apple in the bunch is manageable.  I refused to allow her energy to permeate my happy space and moved on.  Not allowing drama to become my own.  Deep tea shop lessons...

Tea shop hours also provided time with the local homeless lady, Ms. A.  Can't even fathom the darkness she encounters on a daily basis.  Scattered and random joy with a solid base of self-preservation.  She shuffles in, her bag dripping some milky substance and desperately needing a bath.  Abandoning all judgment and side-barring all chores, I elbow up to the counter and greet her with a tentative smile...testing the waters and not wanting to bombard her with my syrupy happiness.  She's tired, in pain from an arthritic knee and needs something to cut the chill.  Warm tea seems to help.  I listen and nod...her stories rich, decorated with her own vocabulary.  I wonder if they hold truth or if they are her own imaginings, her own reality.  I wonder how she'd receive a care package of street goodies...she seems too proud to accept help.  I wonder what brought her to the York streets...aren't we all just a few decisions away from the same fate?  She reports that she always feels content when she visits...not happy or loved because that would be too "kinky"...a place to warm her bones, use a safe bathroom and receive a smile. 

And THEN....I got to baby-sit the most adorable little babe all day Wednesday!  She sat on my lap, so content, so trusting, completely reliant on me for the afternoon.  Of course, the mental queue started to scroll....could I switch loads of laundry, vacuum, prepare dinner, call my Dad...but instead, I savor her.   She drifts off...eyes so heavy, arms completely limp and the sound of rain hitting glass enters awareness.  Then I watch a robin and a cardinal search the frozen ground for food...normally too busy to witness these simple yet sweet things, I savor them.  She stirs as if dreaming..what does someone so new to this world possibly dream about?  We're both most content when my cheek rests on her forehead.  That sweet smell of baby...I savored it. 

Silver Lining Challenge

Not being a professional on the topic of life change, I've decided to go with what I know...myself. I'll report what I've done, what changes I've made, and the results that issue forth. One thing is true...change has occurred and there's no returning to the sleepy days of coasting thru life. I'm newly aware and anything else will just appear bland. Hopefully, you'll harvest something inspirational from my findings and incorporate something new into your own life. Here's what I'll be up to:

• Spending 10 min reading the Bible and having a nice, quiet dialogue with God each morning sets the tone for my day. It weeds out the unnecessary and fills me up to the brim with a whole different level of love and peace. I'm able to share a genuine love not one that is tinny or fabricated. Only then can I properly proceed with my day. 

 

• Spending time with family...good, intentional, phones down, eye gazing, ears and hearts open quality time. Daughter has called me out on excessive phone use...our smart phones have created time and attention sucks. My plan is to set a maximum screen time for the day the rest will include old-school activities...games, books (gasp!), crafts, and outdoor activities...good old fashioned memory making.

 

• Setting aside time for friends...each week, I'll meet up with at least one friend for uninterrupted quality time. Too often I've promised friends to set a date only to have life rush forward with no time spent. I've learned that if you have the prompting to reach out to a friend, that you should always follow through. There are so many souls with fabulous stories...I aim to spread love and joy one person at a time.

 

• Completing all annoying tasks...I have an exhausting list of unfinished tasks...pictures never framed, paint never applied, rooms unfinished. One by one, they will be completed so that when I pass by, I will no longer feel guilt but joy. I am surrounding myself with things that make me (and my family) happy! If it doesn't bring joy, out it goes!

 

• No longer living vicariously thru others. I will be researching, saving for, and fulfilling our family wish / bucket list items. Children will soon be grown and no longer wish to be seen with us. Memories are itching to be made. Life is indeed too short to wait for a more perfect time.

So this is my personal challenge...I'll keep you posted on my developments! If you're feeling motivated, play along and keep me updated as well! Much love and success to you, my friend!